cherry tint

God is my refuge and comfort (:

this post is in no way all fluffy, pink and cute. in fact, you could say its the exact opposite. just let me rant, I swear by the end of this post, I'll feel LOADS better, no sarcasm intended!

christmas celebration? personally I think this year's christmas is just one of the most lonely ones I've ever had. like every year on Christmas Day, I'm only going to service with my mom, and after that, sometimes we have a nice christmas lunch at my mom's aunt's place. doesn't seem like that lunch is gonna happen this year. I'm only celebrating it with my parents, hell, I don't even call it celebrating. we're just at home doing whatever we want: mom watching tv in her room, dad watching his movies in the living room, and I'm in my room doing my own stuff. there's never been once when we went out to have a christmas dinner. my sister, you ask? she's having a christmas dinner at her best friend's house. you might ask me, "You have your family with you on christmas, isn't that enough?" technically, I should be. But every year I feel so lonely, and seriously all these things aren't all that exciting as they used to be - I feel like I have no one to really share the joy with. I can't ask my friends out because they ALL have SOMEONE to share that joy with already. Why I don't ask my parents to go out? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. THEY JUST WANT TO STAY AT HOME. ESPECIALLY MY FATHER. SERIOUSLY I AM SICK OF THIS. EVERY TIME ITS LIKE THIS. You ask me, "Go ask someone out then!" I ALREADY SAID, I HAVE NO ONE. I AM ALONE. Doesn't that spell out the situation already? Every, single, year. Am I unappreciative? It certainly sounds like it. And I say the same thing on my birthday almost every year. I have friends around me whom I meet for my birthday and for christmas - but honestly, I can't be satisfied. I just don't have that special someone to share my happiness with, and I am truly envious of those who do. I'm also envious of those who are single, and yet feel happy enough to have friends and family around them to share these joys with. Is it because that I don't love my friends and family enough, that I am still single? Afterall, God teaches, "Only when you love your family, can you have the capacity to love others." I take that as me not loving and appreciating my family enough. But seriously I just.. I feel like I've had enough. Every year I say the same thinsS, and I will possibly continue to do so annually.

I am honestly not enjoying myself this christmas, at all. Aside from having my own private time, I have never felt so detached and empty. I find that I hardly talk about myself anymore, and I probably just ask my friends how they've been. I don't open up myself to anyone anymore. I don't do it to my closest friend anymore either. If she thinks I do, then the things I tell her are not my real troubles at all. Those things are still my troubles, but I guess I would classify them as medium troubles. I don't ever confide in anyone about the troubles I'm struggling with deep down in my heart. I'm sorry.. Its not that I'm typing this out for her to read, I'm typing it out because I need to vent since I don't have anyone I trust and feel connected to enough to pour out my troubles. Then here's another question, "Do I want a boyfriend to whom I can pour out my inner troubles?" Honestly, I sure don't want to treat my boyfriend as someone like that. A boyfriend is not supposed to be a diary or a blog or a confidant. Maybe just a little will do, but I'm of the opinion that guys don't like to hear emotional shit from girls. "If girls are too emotional, they're a total turn off." Then how am I to survive? Well, here's your answer: I've been struggling on my own and not confiding in anyone.

I feel like I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I would like a special someone, but because I don't appreciate my family and friends enough, I feel that I can't have that special someone yet. why am I not happy? what is happiness to me? what is true happiness to me? I feel immensely hurt but I don't dwell on these kinds of feelings anymore - just basically looking at things from a more positive perspective. but isn't that just an avenue of escape from my problems? you just continue to "look from the positive perspectives" and eventually you come to convince yourself that you are happier and less depressed, but then it all comes back and you realize you were just lying to yourself, that you just believed that you were okay when you really weren't. I just don't understand these things anymore. I used to be pretty emotional, but this past year I've been looking from a positive perspective and things really turned out for the better. but then my old problems started to hunt me again when my mind is empty of studies. so was I truly looking from a more positive perspective, or was I just running away? of course, you could also suggest that I'm just depressed right now.

I feel hardly happy these days, or am I just thinking I'm not, but actually am unconsciously? Though I said my family isn't doing anything on christmas, that's just for Christmas day itself. We actually have had movie outings on weekends for the past two weeks I think, does that make me happy enough? I know I enjoyed myself, but during those times I just felt very conscious of how I was wondering if I was truly happy and enjoying myself, or going with the flow. I hope that next time, even though I am going with the flow, I can also make something out of it and tell myself that I really am happy. this is so conflicting. I'm sure you're wondering "You worry too much." Personally, it doesn't feel that way to me because I feel that this is a serious problem that can make me feel indifference more and more often. as if nothing really excites me, as if I just cannot truly do what I want with people around me. I feel like I am just causing trouble for them by doing what I want. I cannot feel at ease. Its precisely because our interests are not aligned that I feel this way. Moreover, because of this, I have slowly been just unable to share my interests with anyone anymore. Its impossible. I've been like this for quite long - just not talking about my hobbies and interests and sharing and fangirling with one person, that its become almost practically impossible for me to truly, heatedly, and passionately talk about the things I like. If you want me to, I'm sorry but I can't do that anymore. You won't understand what I'm talking about anyway.

you want me to say this honestly? I definitely feel lonely that my best friend is not with me at this time. I don't know how she feels or thinks inside, but sometimes I feel that I can never be a confidant for her because of my sensitivity to some things and also because she has someone, unlike me. Though how her relationship with that person is like, I do not really know. Things can never be the same - I'm over with the "feel hurt" part already, and have sadly and slowly been able to accept the truth that I can't be with her anymore, so the kind of "things can never be the same again" statement means something along the lines of "I know you're sad that I'm saying these things, and I'm sad too. We both try to work together to make things work out no matter what, and we definitely will, rest assured. But *I* cannot be as carefree as I was around you like in the past. I'm sure you've noticed this. [: Its not something that either of us can control." Something like that I think? I'm not angry or anything.. Its a hard lesson I've learnt, that friends can never be forever with you, that the nature of friendships will change one day. I wonder how we'll be like when I have my own relationship? Maybe I will come to understand your problems and troubles you've had about me, then.. Until then, I ask that you forgive me for being insensitive, sensitive, demanding, and distanced, right now. Its just how I feel right now. Its a way I use to prevent myself from getting hurt I guess?

I was talking with a guy friend the other day, and we came upon the topic of relationships and how I'm still single. I told him, "I don't like getting too close to guys sometimes." and he retorted, saying "Then how on earth can you get a boyfriend?" right now I'm thinking, "What do you know about me and the guys around me whom I'm interested in?" I choose not to get too close to guys I may become interested in - BECAUSE THEY ARE ATTACHED ALREADY!!!! Get that??? That's why I'm not close to guys, I dare not talk too much nor be myself too much around guys whom I'm actually a little interested in, just because they are attached! I'm too afraid of the worst possible consequences, though they may never happen. I'm too afraid of them, because I don't want them to happen at all. I'm probably thinking too much again, but my fear kind of controls me in these situations. Though I'm glad enough that for other guys who are attached whom I may be interested in - that the line has been drawn and I'm comfortable with it. Those are good guy friends to have, thank God for them.

now that's that.. I do apologize for this long and negative ranting post.. to sum up, I'm kind of really hurt for some things, but still okay with others, trying to stay positive in some, and realizing and understanding that I'm slowly distancing myself from people so much that I've lost myself and any excited chats I used to ever have. anything I ever say to people these things, half of the time they're forced, sad to say. or I'm just trying to make surface conversation. I'm looking to connect, but haven't found anyone so I'm not even trying to connect anymore. I'm slowly loosing the passions and excitement of life itself. I'm also more aware of and understand better my darker emotions. things that I didn't want to face previously, things that I've tried to suppress in order to stay as a "good" christian. but I realize that I have to accept these dark thoughts that I have about people and myself in general, before I can move on from these thoughts..

I'm also not a very smart person, but for important things I try as best as I know how to. In all aspects of life, I'm really just a baby I realized - really! I'm also not a very nice person at all, only probably towards my closer circle of friends then I'm nicer and more sincere. Otherwise, I don't give much of a shit. I'm sorry to say it this harsh, but I want me and myself to realize that. So that I can handle new/future friendships better, instead of portraying a really "nice" me all the time. Okay here's the deal, for surface social relationships with people, I'm generally respectful, nice, sometimes upbeat enough for a topic I can relate to, and helpful for small stuff. But if you want to delve into a deeper friendship than that, I'm sorry, if I feel annoyed or irritated by some of your antics, I may just avoid you for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure some people do that to me too, its understandable. Its awkward, but hey, thats how I handle these things right now. If we're really good friends enough on the surface, I usually show appreciation on birthdays. Its like an obligation I have, its just personal, really. Though I figured this year, that its high time I try not to do that haha, unless that person really means alot to me in some aspects of my life. so now that I've ranted everything out, I feel better, and have more strength to continue to think and try to stay positive, ignoring the "am I really being positive" part.

Its a little early but.. ちょっと早いですけど。。

Its been a fruitful year full of changes, life lessons, heartbreak, and happiness.

I wonder, where should I start? Listening to Chemistry's Winter of Love album makes me want to do up a blog post about this past year.. And I've been wanting to do it anyway.

I think the most significant thing that's happened this year is my own growth. There's definitely more to learn out there about social relationships and personal growth, but for this year this has been more than I'd hoped for. Honestly I can't really remember the first few months this year, except that I was still feeling jolly and free as a student. Those months feel like a few years ago. But now, as my last studying semester has come to pass, the NTU chapter in my life is about to come to a close. I am going to miss NTU, it has been like a second home for the past 4 years and I really loved my time there. It feels like I've been in NTU for more than 4 years, what with all the people I've met, and how much I've changed. How was I like 4 years ago? I can't really remember, but I'm glad I've had these changes.

I remember back in May/June I had a turbulent time with a friend.. I almost wanted to give up, but I'm glad I didn't.. I've only just realized that I take a little longer to adapt to social changes. Some things can't be helped, but that doesn't mean I should stay trapped in the past, because like how things have changed, I have changed too. My friend is not complaining about it, she's kept quiet and watched me grow in the hopes I'd come to understand. I'm glad she didn't give up on me either.. I've really come to realize that I don't grow very fast, nor do I adapt very fast to vastly changing social environments. I realized that I'm not a very nice person anymore, and I'm more self-centered. In the schooling life I've had these past few years, the way I prioritize makes me more aware of only me and myself, and that other things are secondary. I'm glad I decided to really just change my priorities abit a few months back, and everything now is so much more joyful. I'm so much more happy by doing this little change, and I'm glad I did it, because this person means so much to me and I really wanted to do something. Like how my friend puts so much effort in, I really figured that I should return the effort, because it takes two hands to clap. Though nothing can stay the same, I hope that I will continue to put this effort in especially when I start working.. We'll go through this together, okay?

I mentioned heartbreak too, didn't I? Well, no, I haven't been in a relationship, but I've had some wonderful experiences and lessons learnt. I had my eye on 3 people the past year, but now, there are none. Don't take this the wrong way - I am neither sad nor angry. I'm glad I met these people, they've made me realize and learn the hard way about my feelings and myself. "Don't be a girl about it." one of them said to me, I clearly remember wanting to reply "I'm a GIRL. How can I NOT be a girl about it??" So I realized I wouldn't want a guy like that. At the same time, I was becoming better friends with someone else who told me "Don't bash yourself up like that." when I wasn't feeling my best. One of the rarer instances when I felt support and understanding from a guy - it doesn't happen to me often because I'm not very close to guys. We talk about anything under the sun, and we're comfortable about it. We even know each other's crushes. But alas, his crush was also returning his feelings. He told me about how there was someone he 'was getting close to', but I didn't make anything much of that statement.. Until I happened to chance upon them together studying. I felt hurt, truthfully. Then I realized, ah, this must be some sort of jealousy.. I didn't want to lie to myself, so I told myself what I was feeling, "Yes, I'm actually hurt." I wasn't too depressed nor too affected, because there were circumstances about us that were rather.. abnormal. The most important thing I got out of this was the kind of guy I would like for a partner in the future. Someone whom I can support and receive support in return. Someone with whom its okay to be abit stupid or dumb. Someone with whom you can bear to let look when you're looking most cui, or feeling down. Someone with whom you don't want to bash yourself up too much because he said so and because you want to be positive about yourself too. Then, these two guys made me realize how futile my attempt to connect with my crush was, and so I have finally decided to really just move on - maybe there really wasn't anything there afterall. I won't be seeing him again anymore, so its a good time to let go. I actually do feel that I'm slowly forgetting about this person as time passes - a person can only be on your mind if you connect with him/her. If not, then things just.. gradually disappear, and then you realize, oh! its actually fading away.

I also mentioned "happiness" right? Well you got that right - the previous two add on to my happiness, whilst my japan trip was the highlight of this year I think? When I look back at the pictures I took, they feel nostalgic and I can't help but crack up at the pictures we took together, the time we spent together, the time we had living together in the same room. Its just extremely unforgettable. I'm going back to Japan next june, though not with the same company. I don't know if I'm ever going with them again, but I sure wouldn't mind it. We compromise well together, we work pretty alright together. We spill the beans good enough together. That said, maybe for just one person I cannot feel comfortable around with - it started to feel really bad and awkward AFTER the trip when the semester started. I don't hate the person - there's just something wrong. I hope I can get over it, but who knows? I'm not a very nice person afterall :p I care more for the people whom are closer to me, or whom I can connect better with. Really, you just CANNOT keep up the "nice" facade all the time - its pretty much impossible if you're not the type (: I have to find ways to present myself in a good manner even though I'm not nice.

dango

watched Snow White & The Huntsman with Daphne today! after that went shopping at the japanese supermart for the ingredients to make dango and onigiri hehe~~ gonna start on dango tomorrow. testing testing how much of the dango flour I should use, water, steaming, etc. looking forward to the testing phase before I make dango dessert for anyone lol.

so! reviewing the snow white movie..:

in a nutshell, I give it 3.6/5. Its a pretty nice and good movie to watch, and I really enjoyed watching it. Hmm where do I start.. I guess I should split my commentary into a few sections.

general: plot, environment etc.

okay well, it IS a snow white movie so there are definitely elements of the fairytale in this: the evil queen, snow white, the dwarves, the huntsman, and THE MIRROR! take all these characters, mash them up, put them in a fantasy setting with a dark and gritty edge to it, and you get Snow White & The Huntsman. No, there's no prince here. Yes, there's a kiss scene. And thank LORD the one who woke snow white up was NOT her childhood sweetheart, but the huntsman. and also thank LORD that there wasn't any real romance and the epilogue ended just right. Why do I say this? read it in the next section. I went in the theatre not really expecting anything much as I had already seen what would be going on in the movie after watching the 5-minute trailer on youtube. I wish I hadn't done that. But regardless, since rotten tomatoes gave it a bad rating of about 46%, I didn't want to think about "expectations" and start criticizing the movie while watching it. I wanted to enjoy this movie for what it was, I wanted to enjoy a movie that was in a fantasy setting with horse-riding scenes that stole my heart away with the background orchestral sounds accompanying it. I really loved the mounted knights galloping into battles. I always love these types of scenes. Loved it. So epic.

I'm also quite biased for british fantasy settings. Not really because of LOTR, but I just love the idea of knights in armor being all valiant - that's a man I say. I'm sold. Lol. With all that strength and courage to face a battle - that's a man. That's MY kind of heart throbe. Haha.

I also really liked the forbidden forest, and the enchanted forest after that. the troll was so cute. the enchanted fairy forest was really quite beautiful - in a rough sort of way. Don't get me wrong - I loved that forest for looking both beautiful and yet wild and untamed - it was like a natural forest in a world where everything else was desolated. for a snow white film, these forests are a must. no, there's no singing nor dancing in this forest, thank goodness. It was like a transition into another world that was untouched by man. This was the only environment in the movie that I actually paid more attention to. The rest of the environments/settings - like the castle, the throne room, the great hall - I didn't pay much attention to, nor did the movie fill me in on the details of where was what and what was where. it was just scene after scene like walking a straight trail that didn't permanently split at all. that was what the whole journey in the story felt like too. its a linear plot, that's it. but I like how it was done - so that's that.

the only thing that I didn't exactly buy in this story was how SHORT the climax was. was it supposed to be a climax or a conclusion? seemed like both to me actually. or rather, there wasn't much building up, nor climax, nor conclusion. the story doesn't seem written that way. it was really just a linear plot, one part transitioning into another. and I also don't have a map of how the world in snow white looks like - but if the director was banging on his audience to know what lies after each location, then there's no need of a map, and I was sold on his assumptions. so it was alright. no complaints. I just want to enjoy this movie for what it is. in a sense, its an "epic" movie - not in The Avengers sort of way, but in a rather a simple, dark, gritty manner. its basically snow white and darkness packed into one small box. I'd remake this movie into a drama if I could. I'd want to show more background, more settings, expand on the world and its characters. regardless, this was a pretty satisfactory movie. I wasn't asking much, so I got more than what I wanted, on the surface. I enjoyed it for it being simple and not trying to be complicated and messing itself up in the proces, period.

characters and their actors/actresses

Snow white and her childhood friend didn't have alot of interactions when they finally reunite almost a decade later so thank goodness it wasn't his kiss that woke her up -_- it was the huntsman's kiss that did. and that was the only "romance" in the movie, really. thank goodness they didn't go for the "snow white and the huntsman fall for each other along the way" side-story because that would have been devastating. kristen stewart and chris hemsworth are not meant to be an on-screen couple. no. I have no idea how old the huntsman(chris hemsworth's character) is in the movie, but as the huntsman, he seems like ten years older than young snow white, who's age is probably around 16. its not about their ages that aren't compatible, its how stewart and hemsworth don't have much chemistry and hence they aren't compatible. well, the huntsman can fall in love with her, but not the other way around - not while snow white is portrayed by stewart. hell I wouldn't mind a BOOK about snow white and the huntsman falling in love along the way, but in this movie, NO. thank goodness it didn't happen. talking about a book.. since I felt that the movie could have been deeper, I think a book would have done this story more justice, while the movie would just be a prelude or a brush on the surface of something better. I would have loved to see deeper stories and semi-plotlines about the characters in this movie but then it would take a drama, rather than a movie, to do it. maybe I should write my own Snow White & The Huntsman. that would satisfy (the girl in) me alot more. HAHAHA. I'm a sucker for romance. Especially when its between a reluctant person and a princess who's strong in her own right, as characters. not the actors or actresses who portrayed them. as characters in a BOOK, when you can imagine how they look like on your own, they can fall in love. but in this movie, NO.

that said, I was sold on how kristen stewart and chris hemsworth acted out their own characters. this is a story about a princess who is strong, young and beautiful, and goes into battle, and I was more or less convinced enough throughout the whole movie that kristen was suitable enough for this role. I don't care of people think she's not beautiful enough, I think she had an inner beauty as snow white - that's what sold me on it. I was convinced by snow white that she IS the snow white *for this movie*. Innocent and yet mature enough, she has the "destined" look about her when you watch how snow white carries herself, she's got that "I don't know realize it, but I'm actually on a totally different level than you in terms of being mysteriously beautiful and destined for something.". The only thing I wasn't really sold on was the last part of the movie when she started taking up the role of a leader - that part didn't suit her. but at least it was only for a short while. by right, snow white is an inexperienced fighter from what I've been shown in the movie, but she has survival instincts. or rather... it seems that alot of "traits" were built into snow white as a character and you aren't shown how she develops them - she can ride a horse, she can hold a blade and swing it right, she knows how to run on very uneven ground in the dark forest(but of course she trips and falls as per normal). we aren't shown how she learnt to do these things, they were just built in the character. nevermind, its alright. I still bought it and didn't question it- because afterall, I wanted to enjoy this movie, not criticize it for what it didn't show me. ^^ at the end of the day, during the battle, I could really see that at least the director didn't ruin her as a leader by making her shout commands. it was as if her army was there only to buy her time to kill the queen. that was her only role - to find and kill the queen, not overturn the queen's army. you can see that snow white is still snow white - she is small and petite when standing before the queen, she TRIES to fight, and not TRULY fight. if she did, I would NOT have been sold on this character. snow white-kristen stewart is not angelina jolie, period. I think the movie was careful enough not to make me doubt snow white as a character. in this movie, to me, snow white is supposed to be an inexperienced swordsman/leader, that's it. if she fought REALLY WELL, that would have totally torn the character apart.

now for the huntsman.. granted, chris hemsworth is far too overwhelming an actor to JUST BE AN HUNTSMAN. but his handsome rugged-type face AND HOT BOD was toned down by him wearing a huntsman's clothing, and all that facial hair and dirt make-up on his face made it convincing enough. the camera angle on him made him seem alot shorter than he actually is IRL, which also sold me on his huntsman role. his behavior and the things he said made it convincing enough that though chris hemsworth is in this role, HE IS NOT THOR IN HERE. thank goodness. he plays the protective guardian in this movie, like snow white's right hand man. from beginning to end, it felt to me as if the huntsman gradually could see for himself that snow white is special and important to the kingdom, and that he feels obliged to protect her from harm till the time comes when she has to kill the queen. and protect her he does. it felt as if he was gradually drawn to her, to protect her as her knight, and it didn't matter if he didn't end up as her prince charming. you couldn't really feel his anguish when she died from the poisoned apple, but you could understand his grief that "whoever I am close to, dies" since he had a wife who died prior to the movie's timeline. he was grieving over her death and, having been drawn closer to snow white throughout the whole journey, she became somewhat of an important person to him - the movie showed this. so it felt appropriate that it was HIS KISS that resurrected snow white, NOT her childhood sweetheart's. I was sold on the snow white X huntsman pairing, sorry childhood sweetheart william. they're both good-looking though :p there's nothing to say about the huntsman's action/fighting scenes because THIS IS CHRIS HEMSWORTH. THERE'S NO QUESTIONING HIS ACTION SCENES. CHRIS HEMSWORTH IS A NATURAL FOR ACTION SCENES. so what can I say? I'm sold on the huntsman - I liked him enough. or rather, alot. because its chris hemsworth in a role of the hunter who slowly finds himself drawn to the mysterious yet beautiful snow white and falling for who she is. THANK GOD HE DID NOT DIE. I would've RAGED TILL HELL BLEW OVER, if he did. and THANK GOODNESS they didn't show a second kiss scene between snow white and the huntsman. it was the huntsman who slowly fell for her, not the other way round. if you observed the first time the huntsman saw her - his expression was already a foretelling that HE was the one who'd be slowly drawn to her. it would've been beyond weird if after being coronated, she ran and jumped into his arms and smiled all happily. but at least, during the last scene, he was the last person (i.e. most important person) that snow white noticed while she stood in front of her new throne in the great hall that was flanked left and right with people. during that scene, the huntsman was right at the back near the great doors, slowly walking towards the center from the sides behind the crowd while looking at her, and snow white's eyes followed his every stride. that was the most important ending scene to me. basically, at this point, it was acknowledged that the huntsman became somewhat of an important person to snow white. in short, I love you, huntsman. I adore you, chris hemsworth. that's it.

the evil queen? there's no questioning her. I was sold on her character and how she was portrayed. the only irky complaint I have is how... a little over-the-top her screaming was. it would've been better if she screamed more naturally. I don't know how to put it, but that was how I felt. other than that, the evil queen, WAS THE EVIL QUEEN.

and that's all I have to say about Snow White & The Huntsman. (: I'm pretty tempted to buy the blu-ray/dvd for this movie, and Thor, and The Avengers..

やっぱり胸が痛い。。/ my chest really does feel tight..

I'm hopelessly crushing on Justin. At first I got a little bit angry, and tried to just forget about him entirely from my own and my friends' encouragement.. But every single time, I find myself thinking about him again and again. Then I realized that I just.. really like this person.

At first it was hard to control my feelings and I had my hopes up frequently.. But after a while, I just let things slide and decided to just look at him from afar. It made me really happy to just be able to look at him from far away. And this was last semester..

This time round.. I started the semester in January with the same thinking: Just looking from afar and not talking to him - like I'm just some sort of stranger to him. But the more I saw him the more I wanted to talk to this person.. To get a little bit closer to him. I learned from my past experiences with this person that its hard to get him to talk.

Last semester for the lab module I always felt happy just being able to spot him from afar, but at the same time I kind of.. "hated" on him. Because to me, he was always a difficult person to talk to.. But I was still happy. And my lab partner could tell how happy I was.

Then for this semester I checked the photo gallery for the lab module and found out that he's in the same slot and day again. This time round it was going to be organic laboratory so he would be at the same fumehood all the time instead of last semester when it was physical laboratory where the location of each experiment was different.. So obviously this time I checked which fumehood he would be assigned to, whilst also finding out that another good friend of mine would be in the same lab as he. They'd be in lab 1 while I'd be in lab 2, and even better was that my friend would be doing the same experiments as I would be every week. This gave me a good excuse to visit lab 1 while waiting for my reactions to complete.. Which I always did, every single week. Except for my birthday (yes it fell on a lab day), because that experiment was demanding and I was too nervous to visit Justin's fumehood on my birthday aka valentines.. Whenever I visited lab 2, I told myself that I could use the excuse that my friend was doing the same experiment schedule as I was, to visit his lab where Justin was as well.. Every time I visited I would stop by my friend's before trying to spot where Justin was. The first visit I noticed that his fumehood was at the same row as my friend's - I guess you can say I was pretty happy about it, because it would be easy and convenient to drop by at Justin's. Before I plucked up the courage to talk to Justin, whenever I passed by him at his fumehood, I would tug at his lab sleeve as a form of greeting of sorts.. I wasn't yet prepared to say hi to him in a friendly way yet so I just tugged.. I was happy enough. Some time later I plucked up the courage to "talk" to him - just mindless statements about the lab - like which experiment he was doing, how was it and all. He was unexpectedly more cheerful and happy compared to the previous few semesters - and it made me wonder what had changed for him to become like that, even in the faculty. He was known to be a cold unfriendly person to others at the faculty, and didn't have much of a presence since he always left immediately after lectures ended.. Regardless I was happy and whenever I returned to my own fumehood in the other lab I would be satisfied and happy and would blurt out whatever happened to Vicky who happens to always be beside me during every lab. What I loved the most during these visits was how more friendly he'd become, his voice, his smile (though I never dared to look at him in the face for long - it'd be too much for me to take) - and most of all just standing beside him.. I can never forget how it feels like to stand right beside him. That tall built figure standing right beside someone as petite as I am.. I could always feel myself shaking because of that feeling.

And not only was he in the same day for lab, he was also taking two other modules that I had undertaken too. It made me even happier (heheh), and I managed to give him valentine's chocolates for once. I wonder if he ate them (lol) or.. disposed it, because when I saw him leaving the building a while later he wasn't holding it anymore. One of the modules I always made a point to sit beside him; it was hard to keep myself sane from the accelerated heartbeats and my mind going crazy about how close I was to him again in a while. Though we didn't talk at all, he did cheerfully greet me hello and goodbye before I did - and I returned the greetings as cheerfully and happy as I could - afterall, I really WAS happy about how he said it first before I did.

And now that semester is over.. I guess I will never have the chance to talk to him, nor see him ever again. From what I know, he's going to be doing the industrial attachment in the upcoming semester - and I'll be in school. And the exact opposite when I'm on my own attachment the next next semester. I really wanted to take a photo with him at least for memory's sake but I guess maybe it wasn't meant to be then eh? My friend suggested I could do it during convocation but I told her Justin didn't seem like the sort to attend it.. But if he does, I would really want to snap a shot with him. I don't think I'll be confessing though.

The last time anyone made me feel this way was Ben. I haven't crushed on someone this hopelessly since Ben. But I already know its one-sided, just like it was with Ben. I'm keeping my distance properly and making sure I don't make him feel stalked by a small girl (hahaha) while constantly feeling a heartache whenever I think about this person. I don't think about him every second of every day, but once in a while. Its just really hidden, in a sense - although a few of my friends know how hopeless my case is (heheheh). I can't control my feelings - and they're serious feelings, not some half-assed thing.

All this might sound like some kind of puppy crush and if it really is I won't deny it.. Afterall, I barely know this person and how he's really like. But I'm already hopelessly falling. I like him, a whole lot. To the point that I could cry just by having had a dream in which we were talking like real good friends. I don't desire for anything else right now other than to be able to be better friends with this person.. But its not going to happen any time soon, nor ever.

I hope I can meet someone in the future for whom I can feel the same way and he'd feel the same for me.

heh

I've decided not to pursue anything with Joseph, and also to cut off all ties with said person.

For the past 7 years, we were always on and off contact - all I can remember of our conversations is how they always ended up in the same argument about how he wants to try me. I could never accept it and always ended up blocking him. Its been going on like this for the past few years, and this time round I've decided to put a stop to it after a friend made me truly realize what was happening, and how I was really being treated.

I've been manipulated emotionally and morally to go against my beliefs about how a relationship should be. I will not go into details.. There's too much to say and since I've decided that I do not want this person to resurface in my life again, there's no point in me going on about the reasons to my decision. I've decided, and that's that. Nothing more, and nothing less.

I should have stuck with my beliefs all these years, and now I need to re-affirm in these beliefs.. I need a moral compass for this.. I find it difficult to do this all over again.. I just pray that someone will come by in the future - someone who truly treasures me. Because if he does, then naturally he would respect me, he would make sure *I* was ready as well, basically, he would NEVER pressure me into doing things that go against my beliefs.

I feel so morally gray.. I've been feeling so gray these years. There's not much black and white opinions I have about morality/ethical issues these days.. I feel so.. Just what have I become?

Being a girl is difficult sometimes - especially if you're someone like me. Girls sometimes depend on others' kindness for strength to pick themselves up from where they've fallen. This time round.. Instead of relying on friends' kindness and concern, I want to stand back up on my two feet with my own strength. I want to recover back my beliefs. I don't want to rely on other people's encouragement.. I want to rely on my own strength. I wonder if I will be able to do it. I want to be emotionally independent about this.

"Just wot the fuck you want??"

I asked Joseph that question the other day, and also requested for him to be honest about it. So he said "I want...company."

..Company?? Okay, I'm not sure how many of you get into relationships with motives that are vastly different from your partner, but the general reason for getting into one is because you're interested in the person, right? Like, you LIKE him/her. And also the other party feels the same - hopefully. Even if its not that way, I still find that the way Joseph is approaching all these is just... as if he has no real feelings? I don't like it. Okay well, everything's just barely started because our exams JUST ended a week ago. But nevermind that - this is a journal entry, a place to voice out my real thoughts.

Fuck, I'm not someone whom you can just ..omg, I don't even know how to put all these feelings and thoughts into proper words. Please don't treat me like I'm some person you can ask out and not show any real interest in R.E.A.L.L.Y. wanting to see me? F, I'm not going to say all these things to him, it'll defeat the whole purpose! See if you really like someone, you'd EXPRESS your interest in wanting to meet him/her, right? It doesn't feel that way with Joseph!!! Omg man.

Okay, well, we're just trying. things. out. And here's where my HUGE confusion starts. What does "trying it out" pertain anyway? Does it mean that its just a "okay u free i free, i see first if i want to meet u." wot the fuck?? How are things going to work out that way??? Just ...wot the f man. I don't even know what's going on. I don't want to show that I *want* to see this person when he doesn't show it!!! F THIS MAN!!!

Seriously, if he was really interested in me, and not in this for "company", he'd put his back into asking me out. F, I feel WEIRD saying things like "we" "together" "us", because omg, this is just a try out!!!

What do I feel about all this? What do I really want to do? I want to go out with this person to walk around/watch movies/whatever with the more-than-friends motive. Not the "okay u free i free" thing only. This is the way *I* would do things. I suppose I will need to control my feelings - like, don't start feeling about all this too early or too much - afterall, its just a try out. But when HE does this don't-start-feeling-yet thing on me - in all honesty, it kinda hurts. Like he ALSO doesn't care. Fuck, HE WAS THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED THE TRY OUT. WHY ISN'T HE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT??? Like, asking me out, talking to me etc.

On the topic of talking, okay well, not everyday obviously. But seriously, I don't have any interesting conversations with this person!!! Heck, even from before trying it out it was like this already!! Him and I have nothing in common!! He doesn't make the effort to talk about anything else other than 'hi' 'how was your day' etc.. But I shall *appreciate* it that he at least MAKES the effort to suddenly ask me these things out of the blue.

F THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!! But I guess I shouldn't say things like "I want out" when nothing's really started yet. But if by the end of this summer break there's no improvement then THAT'S IT. I think. I'm going to need to find the courage within me to put an end to this once and for all. The only reason we're back in contact is because of this try out thing. We've had a long history going back to our primary school days and so we have something like a "soft" spot for each other. We've never dated each other before so we decided to try it out - not JUST because we've been friends long and never dated each other before.

Another thing that I *CANNOT* accept is his desire for intimacy. Seriously, INTIMACY IN THE TRY OUT STAGE? DON'T F WITH ME. F NO OKAY. And he CANNOT get this into his F-ING. THICK. SKULL. And that's the reason why I'm always off and on contact with this person - he pisses me off with how lightly he takes this intimacy issue. You want the extra deal of intimacy in this try out stage? SORRY, NO CAN DO. I don't even have the slightest how this try out stage with him is going to work out without intimacy because he's really quite the insistent type. I need to come up with ALOT of countermeasures. But there's a limit to how many encounters I escape.

I don't mind intimacy if we're going SERIOUS, because that's when we have feelings for the other person. But now? NO OKAY. NO CAN DO. NO GO. RED LIGHT.

That's all. I can't think of anymore I wanted to say. Brain bock. Ugh.

BUST THOSE ZITS

ya that's right. but don't do that physically!

adapted from: Lifestyle, April 2012, pg 100

MYTHS OF ACNE PREVENTION

1. CHOCOLATE GREASY FOOD AND CAFFEINE CAUSES ACNE BREAKOUTS

- That's a lie. In fact, research has shown that these food items (potato chips, chocolate, french fries etc) rarely causes acne!!! However, if your face DOES break out the next day after eating these things - it is best to find out WHICH FOOD ITEM caused the break out!

2. DRINK MORE WATER TO FLUSH OUT ACNE

- ******* lie. There's NO PROOF that water has that ability. That said, DO DRINK WATER in healthy amounts. i.e. THIRST DRIVEN DRINKING! Its your BODY that needs water (:

3. SUGAR CAUSES ACNE

- False. Like chocolate and greasy food. BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN EAT SWEETS LIKE THE WORLD'S GONNA END TOMORROW OKAY!!!

4. ACNE IS CAUSED BY OILY SKIN

- Okay, truth be told, I thought the oil skin and dirt clogged up my pores on the sides of my faces that gave me pimples there. But apparently not eh? Pores will be clogged whether or not you have dry or oily skin.

So that's about it. Ciao.