Edit: I've finally found another reason to get a butterfly tattoo.


Again, I can't be arsed to blog about shit.

But if there's anything I'd like to get off my chest, it would be..

Everyone needs affection of some sort - whether from the opposite sex, from family or from friends.
We all feel lonely deep down inside - I do. I really, really do. Sure I have friends (and I love you all too, a lot), but..There's always this part of me that wishes I could get some sort of affection/care from a guy I have feelings for.

Its just that I have no interest in any one currently - and no one's interested in me either. I really don't want to commit to a relationship right now - unless I really, really *found* someone, you know? I just feel really lonely...

And thus,
Bearing witness to any type of romance - tv, drama, movies, real life - anything of the sort affects me quite a lot..
"Well at least you have someone right? I don't."
It sounds really selfish, but I think I'm entitled to say something like that once in a while.
I recenly finished reading a romance-genre manga, and all those sweet/lovely/kissing/hugging/crying/laughing scenes jerked me up a lot - it made me wish I had a guy like that too. But in the end...I don't think I can ever find someone. Even if I do, I don't think I have the looks/character to attract him anyway...

Kimi dake wo, kimi dake wo, suki de itayo.
"You were the only one, the only one whom I loved."

Its part of the lyrics of the song "Toki wo Kizamu Uta" (the opening song from CLANNAD ~After Story~)- which literally translates to "The song which transcended time".

Kimi dake ga, kimi dake ga, soba ni inaiyo.
"You were the only one, the only one who wasn't by side."

Kimi dake to, kimi dake to, utau uta dayo.
"You are the only one, the only one with whom I will sing this song."

Somehow these phrases relate to me - in a way - not VERY, but yes..
Ben...
Ben..
Ben.

Sometimes, I think of how he was the only guy I have ever really loved so much and so unconditionally. Asking for nothing in return. Imagine how I felt when I realized that I was falling even deeper in love with him even though we'd broken up already and were still good friends.. It was for his sake - all the postcards, birthday cards, christmas cards. If they could put a smile on his face, make him happy even for just a few minutes - I would be satisfied (He goes through shit now and then). Even if I wasn't that important of a friend to him - I wouldn't mind it. But now, I have already moved on (well, actually a year ago), I finally have no more lingering feelings, but I still keep my word and send postcards every now and then. Its all for his sake. I have never loved another since him - and it all happened so long ago..

Just thinking about this makes my eyes teary. I just don't know how to explain this..
I won't go back to the past - because its already history. I know I will meet him someday - although I have no idea when that is..
I have no idea how I would feel - how HE would feel - when we meet. Nostalgic? Elated? Sligtly heartbroken? I think I would really like to kiss him lightly - just for once. I think until then..I shall remain single..Unless someone really good comes along - which is almost impossible.

"Like you once told me, its all in the past..but.."