.."friends"

I don't know where to start.

I suppose I'll say this first,

Its such a pain in the ass to be thoughtful when others don't spare a single shitty thought for you since they're so busy.

I always do the reaching out to this clique of mine,
I ask, "How are you?"
I initiate the conversation.
And what do I get in return?
Nothing.
They hardly ever do the same for me.

I've always wanted to keep them close, just because they were/are really good friends of mine. And we've went through thick and thin together back in high school. That's why I always held out my hand first, because I cared for them.

Regretfully,
my efforts were very often, if not always,
a one-sided concern.

But recently..These days..
I've come to think that..
They don't really care about "old" friends anymore,
Since they have new lives and new friends.
Like there's not a single need
for them to contact old friends.
Like they didn't really care at all.

"I always feel bad for my sec school friends, because I really treasure them, but I'm always lazy/don't ever do anything much for them."

What a load of bull.

"I dunno, just one good friend's enough, I suppose?"

If someone you cared for said those things to you,
And mind you, the good friend does NOT refer to you,
How would you feel?

I'm ..thoroughly disappointed.
I'm just seriously so hurt I could cry.
I'm not jealous of that "good friend",
I'm just so hurt that someone I showed care and concern for,
could actually say something like that to me.

I'm not boosting about myself here,
Neither am I ranting about how I'm not anyone's "good friend" anymore,
Nor am I being a petty little prick here.
I just wish those friends of mine could return the efforts.

I feel like I never want to meet up these people again.
Hell, I don't even want to organize any gatherings anymore.
I'm thinking something along the lines of,
"I feel like I want to cut all active ties with them, and just remain a dormant friend." - As if they're strangers to me now.

I feel like I should just forget about these old friends and make new ones when I enter the university.
In the past, I would've rebuked the former idea, but now..I see it as the only solution to ease whatever pain I'm feeling now - because these friends of mine are doing the exact same thing to me. Whether they're aware of it or not - I am NOT going to bother about it.

Why should I care for them anymore?
I used to be able to love my friends, and when I could it made me very happy. And they felt the same too.

Now...
Now I just find it an impossible feat for me to accomplish.
I find it very, very difficult to feel love for my friends,
I find it hard to spare a thought of concern for them.
Not now, not anymore.
Someone suggested that its because
I'm tired of doing that all the time,
Especially when others don't do the same.

And when I ponder over these words,
I realize that they're probably true.

All this make me feel like..
Like I should start doing something about myself and my life,
Since I've been doing quite alot of reflection about many things,
Starting from this point onwards,
I shall try my best to love those who still love me.

Don't you even DARE say that I'm turning my heart into stone.
You DO NOT have the right to say that.
Not to someone who tried to reach out to you,
But yet you entirely so-called FORGOT to hold out yours as well.

As of now..
There are probably only around five people to whom this post is not addressed to.

To Adeline's Husband, please don't make a joke out of this post. It'd be more than rude if you did.

16 July 2009
Posted 11pm.