an ending theme..

school is going good..
but there are alot of things to do
rather, I'm doing more work than others are, I think.
but that's that..

and I have almost no life now.
I made friends here and there, so its getting alot better,
but I don't have the time to properly relax and do the things I want..
save for my daily routine stuff..

and I'm very lonely, so lonely to the point that I often break down,..
and it started ever since the U did.
I don't know why..
Everything is just so..I don't know.
All of my good friends (daphne, xy, maybo, jehanne, etc)
they're all busy with their school work,
and so am I,
its not that its difficult to meet up..
but somehow..I'm just really lonely..
my nights are filled with a very still air,
I don't even like sleeping in my room anymore.
well its more like..
I don't even want to sleep alone.
I'm in a house, with my parents,
and yet I'm alone in my room,
and there is no one but me.
its just..beyond lonely, I don't know how to describe it..
the days are just so different from what they used to be..
back in the old days we would all hang out together,
and even if we didn't, my days were still always happy
but since I entered the U..
I feel even more lonely than ever..
I don't wish for a boyfriend just so he can fill this gap,
or anything of the sort.
you don't go making boyfriends like that. its wrong.
I just..I just really wished the days went back to how they were before the U started..Where everything was my-pace-styled,
where I would have happy and comfortable company like when I was at work.
but now..
say if I met up with my old gang,
or just with daphne,
I would feel that everything's changed..like literally..
I can't get back into the I-have-good-friends mood anymore..
I only know that the people who are supporting me
are my family, and daphne
I feel like I can truly fall back and walk along the road of life when I talk to them, or when I'm with them..
I'm not saying that you other guys out there aren't on my mind,
but..its more like..I don't know how to put it.
but I really would like to get back into the close-friends-mood again with you guys..I really mean it..
in fact, I can't wait for it, because then I'd probably feel "Ahh..finally, this day my life is back."

and, I don't think I like being alone at home anymore. Because of all this, I prefer to do things when there are people around. When I have afternoon classes, I'm all alone at home in the morning, and it makes me very uneasy, so I play some soundtracks loud enough so that I won't hear the silence in my home..
I really don't like being alone...I really, really don't.
It..makes me want to cry, and I've been doing just that pretty frequently..

but of course I'm really more than grateful for having made some friends I can hang out with during breaks in school..
its really alot better than being alone in school..
so I'm really happy in this aspect..

I think I really do need to study smart and not harder. Because there's just too many things for me to do, so much so that I can't afford to give my fullest attention to every single detail.
and then I also need to manage my time well so that I can properly relax on my friday evenings or half-day saturdays..



to maybo:
I'm so sorry I couldn't make it for all the invitations you've smsed me. I'm really so sorry and I really wanted to go, but circumstances forbade it..Not because of alot of work but I just have this policy when I'm studying. But I was really happy that you asked me out..it made me really really happy because it made me get in very slight touch with my old life..so thank you so much, really..! Ask me out again alright?

to daphne:
thank you so much for that ice cream on that day..eating the ice cream you bought me makes me feel less lonely because I feel like I'm with you. Its really comforting..