unconscious

I'm unconsciously stressed, and in actual fact I really want to cry and just keep crying until I've relieved the stress, but I haven't the guts to cry like that anymore.

Its like if I cry I'll be a weakling and probably can't compare to other people who can manage their lives well without having to cry about stupid crap.

in actual fact I want to like someone, but I haven't the guts to do that either because of previous experience. its kind of like an unconscious "prevention" of myself from doing the same thing again and again. its like what they say "you learn from your experiences." then again I wonder if I'm applying this the right way lol. I just want to take things slowly this time, do it a different way.

I mean I'm just a really systematic person with a robotic step-by-step, fixed-type personality. I always walk straight, and never take turns. so whatever I bump into, I take it in, and I continue walking straight without thinking. though I tread carefully, but I just walk straight. I don't know if I stop to take breaks.

I feel like I'm not cut out for this world in this century. Deep inside what I really want to do, is just live my life without having to worry about my grades, future, love life, etc etc. I'm just really simple-minded, note, simple-MINDED, not simple, and in actuality I cannot take too much stress. but because I live in this world I force myself to do it because I have to, and whether I actually -can- do it is another story. its just not me basically.

sometimes I wish I needn't have to keep worrying about my friendships with other people. I just want to be myself, but that would mean letting go of that one single bond that make some friendships more special than others. I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm putting in my own effort because if you treasure friendships, you need to put in the effort. its just sometimes I wish it was effortless but if I did that I'd be taking things for granted. but I don't feel like myself to be honest. I don't even know if I want to disappear, or have friends, or whatever.

you know I just had this crazy idea about just giving up my dream of being an independent woman without having to rely on other people's income to survive. that I should just go find myself a rich-guy who'd never be poor until at least after I die, so that I can live my life in peace and do whatever I want to. then I wouldn't need to worry about having to score well, and just having an average degree is enough since I wouldn't be working.

its not like I feel like giving up, I don't. but I don't feel like myself. Or maybe I'm just slowly, but surely, shredding away my "old" self of being able to live life freely without too much worry.

posted 16 march, 2011.