本当は。。

...companionship eh?

I can't help but feel "Who would want to date someone like me?" I don't have alot of qualities that shine, I am still quite immature.. I can't think of anyone I know so far who'd be crazy enough to want to even think of me as a possible companion.

Right now, the "me" right now - can I really be a good companion to anyone?? I mean well, couples grow together, but first to actually -get- together the other person has to think of me as worthy or something, right? I feel like I'm the one who needs companionship.

Oh well.

(continued 6 hours later)

The truth is I'm just lonely. Everyone's lonely, right? Yes. Here's the question: when you're lonely and desire some sort of companionship..do you turn to the person (of the opposite sex)you're closest to to fulfill that emptiness inside? Is it fair? Is it real? Is it because you like him that you turn to him? (Of course not lol, but you get the point.) Its like, you're driven to the edge and have no one else to turn to to complete your love life. JUST WHAT IS IT THAT COMPELS ME TO DO THIS?! I am just SO confused. Is it because you like him? Or is it because he's the only guy you know (so far) who's "close" to you? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! (Getting frustrated here as I'm typing this HAHAHA. I just really don't know how to describe this feeling/confusion.)

on another note..I think I understand "companionship" a little better now..It feels like the kind of relationship that Chiaki and Nodame have in Nodame Cantabile. Its not as if its like "I can live without seeing you everyday." but it feels like that.. I don't think I want something like that. If there's nothing much drawing us together (leaving aside interests) then why do you even stay with each other? Just because finding someone else would be too hard? I don't see the point in being with someone then. Not that I'd rather be alone, but yes, that's the general feeling. I don't want to be in a companionship if it feels like we're living in completely different lives/houses. You're together, but at the same time you're not. You have your life, and I have mine. What's the point in being together? You can always find someone else - its just the effort needed to do so.