just what is this?

so I was reading the wiki about "Love" and related term(s).

right I'm a person who can't stand not being able to define a state of mind/emotion that I feel. I prefer emotions and whatnot to have shape, just basically DEFINED. so I just hate it when one "shape" overlaps with another "shape". I mean, why can't two things be completely unrelated yet are in the same category? okay whatever, I'm spouting nonsensical stuff. and its only half-related to the topic at hand.

anyways..

I cannot understand how romantic love is formed between two people. I have tried a few ways of doing it but ultimately I began to understand that it really takes two hands to clap. I'm just baffled at my own circumstances like "Why can't I find romantic love?" I don't know how a couple went about starting their relationship in the past, nor can I understand why people have mutual feelings and affection for each other and yet when I tried, mine was always unrequited. I'm not complaining; I just don't understand the difference between the ways I tried, and the ways they did. but of course you're going to think right now that the difference is "because the other party was also interested". I know that. So yeah, its hard for me to accept how the people I was interested in didn't feel the same way no matter how much I tried, even to build a friendship.

once you know the feeling of love, it becomes hard to find it again. at least, for me that's the way it is. I don't know about you girls. I loved Ben, selflessly and unconditionally even though my feelings still weren't requited. but of course I've gotten over it now. that was how I experienced love, though it was only after breaking up that I came to knew what love was/meant. I don't know how to put this nicely but anyways, I've tried to re-create love but it just doesn't work that way. I cannot see anything beyond a simple liking or affection just being exactly what it is; love is just impossible to "have" when I know what it feels like. I've tried to build things up, but it just never worked out the way I hoped it to and of course it hurt in the process.

I just kept and keep trying and trying, to find romantic love, but I'm not getting it. No, don't start telling me "love comes when you stop finding it". I don't want to hear any of that crap because there is no way a person can "stop trying to find love". So don't pull that bullshit on me.

you know what? I hate it when long-time/successful couples look at me(not literally) like I'm some sort of poor kid in the pre-elemental stages of love. Like they're mocking me from where they sit high up on the "love" ladder. of course they mightn't think like that at all, and its just me thinking wild because of my numerous failed attempts. that's why I don't like to hear nor see certain people I know with their boyfriends. yeah, you're happy, good for you, to not have to experience again what I currently, and HAVE BEEN going through again and again. I'd like to say "You don't know what its like, really. So stop trying to think for my sake because I feel mocked more than anything." but I cannot because even successful couples know what its like to have unrequited feelings of affection (not even at the love stage yet hell :\) I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

anyways..back to the topic. so you guys know my most recent failed attempt. look, I totally understand everything about it. I knew and also understood unrequited affection and all related situations and feelings way before it all started, and I totally understand the after-effects of my failed attempt. so I'm doing what I can to just let it go. of course its hard, as you all also know from your own personal experience. I know that I'm still a little obsessed with him and I do my best to stop fantasizing on "hopeful situations" because they aren't going to happen.

you can just ignore the next paragraph, really. but if you're interested here goes,

there's this wiki article about "limerence" (gosh what kind of term is that?) which describes my feelings in this whole situation from beginning to end. (really, how can limerence be a scientific word for this? it doesn't even sound like its related.) I would greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't misinterpret my feelings then as a crush the whole time. I would feel severely insulted. I've never crushed on someone this long and have that crush develop into some kind of romantic affection(though one-sided), so I know its completely different from a crush. it was something I desired, of course, so I know how it feels like. gosh its so easy to distinguish from crush, like, affection, love and all related terms once you've been experiencing it for long.

so anyway, what was meant as a topic on the term "love" and related issues, has turned out to be a mixed topic of both love and my recent unrquited feelings(again). think you gotta bear with me as my future few posts might contain such things again, though the depth and amount of blogging space attributed to it will diminish over time.

to end this post,

I just really don't get how people attain romantic love.

I've been through failed attempts that I just don't know how to attain something like that anymore.

don't try to say "its a mysterious feeling...you don't know when it comes..." etc etc etc. because I don't need people telling me what I already know and understand. don't go all philosophical about love on me, okay? I'll start bragging about love when I get it. so for now..leave me to drown in my emo-ness.

posted February 27th, 2011