Life and mirrors.
There's so much on my mind that its hard to organize it all and post it here, but I'll try my best!
First and foremost.. I think I'm going through a stage in my life where I have to start shaping myself mentally, emotionally and socially. I think its going to define my person in the years to come. I feel undecided in my opinions about things in life - and I'll make my choices when the time comes. For now, I need to prepare myself.
Although, if there's one thing I've decided, its how I've made the choice to stay the way as I am, generally. Basically, I'm a maturing adult, but I still keep this kid-like side of me. If I don't have it, I'm probably going to be a stone cold person.
This maturity stage right now is, I suppose, the "golden age" for me - where at 21 years (my age this year), I experience, learn, and reflect. and it seems like the perfect age anyway!
I'm not telling you guys to expect a whole new me, or a different me - because all these are personal things deep inside me. its not always "visible".
Everyone is different. I have come to truly experience a taste of this since the start of my university days. I see and observe the people and friends around me, and I unconsciously reflect on the daily(or spontaneous) interactions I have with these people. I try my hand at getting to know some people better - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, albeit subtly - and its okay because at least I'm on good terms with these acquaintances.
I've also come to realize and understand that as we grow older, it becomes harder for us to make new close friends. I've put in the effort to do so, but nothing went deeper. I wonder if its because of how we all already have established friendships with other people we've known from our previous school years? I've more or less decided to stop making obvious attempts at deepening new friendships, but there's nothing stopping me from making new friends throughout the years to come.
I believe everyone is warm deep down inside, even if sometimes they have cold exteriors. I used to think that its always possible to talk to people who behave that way, but after having gone through just one hard try at it, sometimes its just not possible to clique. As they say, it takes two hands to clap. But there is no harm in trying to reach out, to make your sentiments known - "I'd like to be friends with you."
Although, I have to say, that the hardest part, is accepting the fact that sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. This is one thing I find difficult to do. So far in my life, all the people I've met are/were more or less mannered/mature enough to hold a pleasant conversation. Sincerity, decency, responsive. I have never met people who were indifferent, or shy - till now. I believe you all know who I'm talking about - and I don't regret anything. Though sometimes, in all my *cough*despair/failure*cough*, I have sometimes felt that I shouldn't have put in so much emotional effort.
And then the next difficult thing to do, is to let it go. I have..forgotten, how it feels like to let things go because the last time I did, it was 6 years ago and it took me approximately 3-4 years to let it cool down. Throughout the 6 years, there were times when someone caught my eye - but I was never serious about it with myself. And hence as you can guess, I never needed the words "let go".
But this time I made a choice, and I put most of myself in it. It didn't go very well and now, I find myself faced with the last stages of something I started but didn't end well.
Regardless, I can see the end coming, and I should just leave this as it is. Afterall, I put my hand forward for a clap, but nothing happened. I don't know if this was an experience God wanted me to have, but it is precious to me. Because I have learnt more than what I thought I would, in so many, many ways.
Posted January 17th, 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment