I feel like its better to just keep to myself from now on.. Its hard to confide in people. Its probably because of how I've shed that last piece of childish innocence at this age. This is so hard to put into words.. As you get older, the more selfish you become. "My heart is just full of thorns." I feel like crying.
I think the best song to describe how I feel right now is this: Just Be Friends
"I already knew deep inside my heart; that the most painful choice would be the best."
"I shouted until my voice was dry."
I feel like my heart is worn out and torn up inside that I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into solid words. But before I loose it..
I can't find the right person to talk to; it has to be someone who knows me well, who doesn't mind me being emotional, who ultimately doesn't say things or give out an aura that makes me feel like an idiot.
Everyone else has grown up... I feel like a kid. I don't want to share things with people who would look at me like I'm some sort of baby.
But I'm screaming inside, and I want to let it out to somebody - but I can't think of whom.
Like..I just feel that maybe I should just be normal friends and just let go of the bond that makes us all feel like true family. "Even though I love you, and I don't want to be apart from you - but I have to say it - that this is the end." Its easy to say that, but its a very painful thing to do. Its probably stupid of me to feel like this, since I know that I'm not someone who can live alone without family-like bonds.. I know I can't live alone like this, but its one of the few ways to keep your heart to yourself. Its not like being indifferent, its more like..to live with normal bonds that don't go beyond the line. Its a very sad thing..but its also one way to prevent yourself from getting hurt.
scene 2
its probably unfair of me to say this, but I wish that there was someone I could trust and he would take me far far away from this kind of life. a wide blue sky.. a field of flowers..like, there are no painful emotional bonds that exist there.
scene 3
I've talked about this once, but I'll do it again. When your closest bestest friends have found their someone, no matter how much they say "No no, you're still precious to me!" you will never feel the same again. Never.
I feel like I'm out of the circle already. Correction, I -have- been out of the circle for a while. I mean, I still believe in these precious friends, but...its just, everything's changed and there's no way we can go back to those old times. I'm not saying that I want to stay in the past- in fact, I don't; we should always move forward. These friends were, and will always, be precious to me, but I will forever be inferior to that someone.
Though I say this, I still firmly believe that friends are as important as your special someone. Friends will stay by you, they will always be with you. Special someone's can never top the seat.
But looking past that, you slowly see that compared to that special someone, whom your friend(s) will live and share their innermost lives with - the bond that you have with your friend(s) can never top that. There is no denying it, no matter how your friend tells you otherwise, its a feeling that will never go away. Its a feeling that us singles have to understand, accept, and move on from. As friends, we all are destined to reach such a conclusion. I don't care how other people try to convince me otherwise, as a single, I will forever feel inferior. Probably until I find my own someone. I understand that I will change my sentiments after I've found someone, but until then, I will always feel this way. There's no need for anyone to tell me "You'll understand when you've found that person (:" because I already understand it. So don't look at me like I'm a baby - I hate it.
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