last regrets

scene 1

I feel like its better to just keep to myself from now on.. Its hard to confide in people. Its probably because of how I've shed that last piece of childish innocence at this age. This is so hard to put into words.. As you get older, the more selfish you become. "My heart is just full of thorns." I feel like crying.

I think the best song to describe how I feel right now is this: Just Be Friends

"I already knew deep inside my heart; that the most painful choice would be the best."

"I shouted until my voice was dry."

I feel like my heart is worn out and torn up inside that I don't know how to put how I'm feeling into solid words. But before I loose it..

I can't find the right person to talk to; it has to be someone who knows me well, who doesn't mind me being emotional, who ultimately doesn't say things or give out an aura that makes me feel like an idiot.

Everyone else has grown up... I feel like a kid. I don't want to share things with people who would look at me like I'm some sort of baby.

But I'm screaming inside, and I want to let it out to somebody - but I can't think of whom.




Like..I just feel that maybe I should just be normal friends and just let go of the bond that makes us all feel like true family. "Even though I love you, and I don't want to be apart from you - but I have to say it - that this is the end." Its easy to say that, but its a very painful thing to do. Its probably stupid of me to feel like this, since I know that I'm not someone who can live alone without family-like bonds.. I know I can't live alone like this, but its one of the few ways to keep your heart to yourself. Its not like being indifferent, its more like..to live with normal bonds that don't go beyond the line. Its a very sad thing..but its also one way to prevent yourself from getting hurt.



scene 2

its probably unfair of me to say this, but I wish that there was someone I could trust and he would take me far far away from this kind of life. a wide blue sky.. a field of flowers..like, there are no painful emotional bonds that exist there.



scene 3

I've talked about this once, but I'll do it again. When your closest bestest friends have found their someone, no matter how much they say "No no, you're still precious to me!" you will never feel the same again. Never.

I feel like I'm out of the circle already. Correction, I -have- been out of the circle for a while. I mean, I still believe in these precious friends, but...its just, everything's changed and there's no way we can go back to those old times. I'm not saying that I want to stay in the past- in fact, I don't; we should always move forward. These friends were, and will always, be precious to me, but I will forever be inferior to that someone.

Though I say this, I still firmly believe that friends are as important as your special someone. Friends will stay by you, they will always be with you. Special someone's can never top the seat.

But looking past that, you slowly see that compared to that special someone, whom your friend(s) will live and share their innermost lives with - the bond that you have with your friend(s) can never top that. There is no denying it, no matter how your friend tells you otherwise, its a feeling that will never go away. Its a feeling that us singles have to understand, accept, and move on from. As friends, we all are destined to reach such a conclusion. I don't care how other people try to convince me otherwise, as a single, I will forever feel inferior. Probably until I find my own someone. I understand that I will change my sentiments after I've found someone, but until then, I will always feel this way. There's no need for anyone to tell me "You'll understand when you've found that person (:" because I already understand it. So don't look at me like I'm a baby - I hate it.

I've more or less finished the list of anime series I wanted to watch this break XD think I'll just cover one or two drama next week, and then poof! school starts ;) nice timing ain't it? x)

just a random update

I haven't been online for a few days owing to my sis revamping her whole room lol. i.e. disconnected modem. So the house right now is in a HUGE mess hahaha. With all her furniture and things, tables, desks etc. Everything's outside right now. She just finished painting the walls of her room on sunday and it looks really nice. And the new lighting my dad got for her from bangkok for her birthday - its hanging in her room now. Really pretty light and romantic lighting lol. Plus my own room and the living room has new lighting. Then dad had itchy hands to go get a new tv for the living room -_- so "old" (its only like, what, a few months old?) living room tv has replaced the kind-of spoiled one in my parents' room.

anyways,...its about 2 weeks till the new semester starts and I think its been a really, really good break. I did everything I wanted to, I did everything I enjoy doing, I'm satisfied. So I'm looking forward to the coming semester now. Though, I must say that I'm scared since I think the modules are going to be killers. I swear I'm going to cry when my second upper honors flies away. I'm very very scared.

Scene 1

I think I've temporarily lost abit of the anime-watching passion this past two weeks >< I mean, I'm still watching, but I'm strangely not as into the stories as I hoped I'd be. Hmm.. They're really great shows, that's the only reason why I'd want to watch them. But it seems that I couldn't get ABSORBED into it, you know? Before the last two weeks, 99% of the anime series I watched since the break started - I got into them really easily. Like I would forget everything when I was absorbed into the story. But recently that's changed.. Maybe its a sign that I've watched enough, and that I should leave the rest till the next break? I think that's what I need to do...though I'm still "left" with 3 series to cover before the break ends. Is it because that I'm just "watching to finish the list" that I can't enjoy it as I'd want to? I must approach watching with my previous mindset of "Lets watch that!" instead of the now-mindset "I've to watch before break ends."

Or maybe the stories were just a tad bit too complex that it was difficult to sbsorb? Hmm..


Scene 2

I think I'm desperate for a relationship. Or something like that. But primarily not for the companionship... I just want to know who I am in a relationship. How would I behave in it? How do I carry myself? What does it mean to have someone special? Am I romantic? Or sweet? Or caring? Or cool? (lol, scratch that last)

I want to find someone, and I want to find myself.

本当は。。

...companionship eh?

I can't help but feel "Who would want to date someone like me?" I don't have alot of qualities that shine, I am still quite immature.. I can't think of anyone I know so far who'd be crazy enough to want to even think of me as a possible companion.

Right now, the "me" right now - can I really be a good companion to anyone?? I mean well, couples grow together, but first to actually -get- together the other person has to think of me as worthy or something, right? I feel like I'm the one who needs companionship.

Oh well.

(continued 6 hours later)

The truth is I'm just lonely. Everyone's lonely, right? Yes. Here's the question: when you're lonely and desire some sort of companionship..do you turn to the person (of the opposite sex)you're closest to to fulfill that emptiness inside? Is it fair? Is it real? Is it because you like him that you turn to him? (Of course not lol, but you get the point.) Its like, you're driven to the edge and have no one else to turn to to complete your love life. JUST WHAT IS IT THAT COMPELS ME TO DO THIS?! I am just SO confused. Is it because you like him? Or is it because he's the only guy you know (so far) who's "close" to you? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! (Getting frustrated here as I'm typing this HAHAHA. I just really don't know how to describe this feeling/confusion.)

on another note..I think I understand "companionship" a little better now..It feels like the kind of relationship that Chiaki and Nodame have in Nodame Cantabile. Its not as if its like "I can live without seeing you everyday." but it feels like that.. I don't think I want something like that. If there's nothing much drawing us together (leaving aside interests) then why do you even stay with each other? Just because finding someone else would be too hard? I don't see the point in being with someone then. Not that I'd rather be alone, but yes, that's the general feeling. I don't want to be in a companionship if it feels like we're living in completely different lives/houses. You're together, but at the same time you're not. You have your life, and I have mine. What's the point in being together? You can always find someone else - its just the effort needed to do so.

I had the strangest dream last night....

Apparently, I got married in it! At 21 o_O It was a most peculiar marriage though, I remember it not being a ceremony nor a gathering. Maybe it was held in a small function room and there was just the ring-slipping onto my finger, that was the marriage. Some other fantasy-like things happened after that... It was most peculiar.

I remember exactly how the ring looks like and everything about it. The ring was a perfect size, and it fit onto my finger like it would never drop off. Something like, a perfect, tight, fit. And apparently in my dream world, the marriage finger is the fourth finger on the right hand. The ring was made of 925 silver - strange isn't it? But in the dream, it wasn't strange at all, we(uh, him and I) both know it would rust, but we both somehow had the same thoughts and understanding that diamond rings were for more older and mature people, and it was something *he* couldn't afford to buy just at that moment(I'm not sure if in the dream I could afford one either hahaha. But the dream explicitly pointed out that *he* couldn't juuuuuuust yet.) But I was alright with it anyways, and I truthfully am in reality when I think about this dream. I also remember what the ring looks like, and the method of putting it on so that it fits perfectly. And the last thing I remember, and its a clear sensation, was the feeling of that ring on my finger; that perfect tight fit. That "marriage finger" on my right hand still tingles hahaha. (I shall upload a picture of the ring's design soon..but for now I'm in a rush to go out!)

Strangely, this feeling of the ring on my finger seems precious to me. I'm strangely attached to this feeling lol.

ion

walkwalkwalkwalk with pretty Doc. Chim today. she was kind enough to be my slav--*cough* to keep me company today. =D love you muchies =X MOAR BALLZ PLZ.

mom taught me some useful eyeshadow tips when we all got home XD I SHALL PUT THESE TIPS TO GOOD USE!

DAPHNE. Damn worried leh. I hope you recover well.. *cry* I cannot imagine my life without you!