long post shall be long...?

yes, I'm finally getting around to posting since I'm feeling emo enough lol

(it just so happens that doctor chim already posted one oO)

so what's been up?

my exams have ended; they were a total hell. I was close to breaking down after the second paper, so yes it was that bad. I remember vividly about how depressed I was feeling; it was as if everything was going to be hopeless. my grades this semester are going to be bad as I know it, and the following consequence to that is an overall GPA that shall prevent me from getting my desired second-upper. I'm only left with two years, and I fully know that there's no way in hell I'm going to make it. so I'm probably going to face a rough start in the working society. I'm going to be disappointed when I get my degree, and my family too - which inwardly adds on to my stress.

so now its the holidays

and I've been out almost everyday since it started~ the beach with my uni gals - oh gosh it was SO SO fun! I remember going crazy over seeing and just walking on the white sand with my bare feet at siloso beach. gosh I felt soooo free! I really want to go back there again and experience that sense of freedom once more.

next up was a friend's 21st birthday party. though I've only known her since the start of this semester, the project group we were in - I guess you could say it was a blessing all of us turned out to be good friends X33 I don't regret these days.. I loved the group I was in x)

then...oh right, mom's day belated celebration with crabs. oh that was a good lunch I had with my family, it was full of cranky, stupid jokes and loads of laughter. I love my family xD we're such joke-sters lol ;))

next day was a full day with Daphne. badminton, spontaneous Gantz movie. oh it was just great. I've never spent a whole day with her like this before, gosh it was so eventful on so many levels. apparently we found out that GV's become really strict on age-checking. you -must- have your IC with you. I didn't, but they let it go for once after they saw my uni matric card.

YEAH. GANTZ WAS JUST FUCKING GOOD. HOLY SHIT I WAS BLOWN AWAY. SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. and obviously the plot is slow-moving, but the second you feel that the events in the movie are repetitive, the next it just sweeps you off your feet because it really isn't all that repetitive. personally, I give it 6 out of 5 stars. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE TO BE RELEASED LOCALLY. TOTALLY -WILL- BE BUYING THE HD RELEASE OF THE COMBINED TWO MOVIES ;))!

and then was HY's bday celebration, and FINALLY my hair trim. I think you all know about how torn I was between sticking to the hair stylist who gave me the short hair, or going for a cheaper cut. but ever since a friend of mine said "make self happy", I firmly decided on sticking to Jaymz. Yeah..it was expensive, but it was also a really relaxing and ultimately enjoyable visit at his new salon. I'm not sure if I'll go back to him for the next trim - I think that depends on if I can afford it~

then there was my church's bazaar. yeah, I know none of you turned up lol. the only one who did was one of my guy friends. but really, I wasn't expecting anyone of you to visit either >_>'' the few memorable things about this carnival was how the customers at our booth always smiled back at me when I greeted them fervently. it was really heartwarming, and probably one of the few driving forces that made me stand throughout the hours I was there. gosh waking up at 8am and helping out till 4pm isn't a joke.. I didn't walk around the carnival because I really couldn't bear to leave our booth to my parents only. I don't really know, but I guess you say I was quite emotionally attached to the stall. I just can't bear to leave the stall without knowing it would be in good hands -_- that's not to say my parents are bad at it - they're really good at it. but I think they seriously might've been overwhelmed. and my sis - she was just dead log. zzz. she's good at thinking but not good with customers. she's bad at it, period. not her thing. -_-' I was hoping when she arrived she could take over me, but nooooo, she went around the stalls and had her share of fun ._. ah well.

and I've also been catching up on anime~!

like, FINALLY. so I covered the rest of my halted Kuroshitsuji II whose anime-original ending totally made me go RAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!!!!!!!! so I had to go pick up from where I halted the original (still ongoing) manga to wipe off the HORRID aftertaste of the anime who's storyline is completely different from the original manga. I watched the second anime season purely out of interest lol, and because kuroshitsuji is kewl. and I totally love the manga~~~ I still have Faster Than A Kiss that I have yet to resume since the exams started -_- arghhh, must always have good determined mood to do these things =X

other animes I've covered include Steins;Gate, Shinrei Tantei Yakumo, Level E (totally loved that one). man only three series...it seemed more than that but I guess its because they're so many episodes each xD I STILL HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO WATCH!!! CAN'T WAIT. xD

onto something else entirely..

Ben has been MIA-ing. I have no idea if its on purpose, but I can gather that this is the limit of the friendship we hav...had. I need to vent this out lol. because seriously, we all know, it takes two hands to clap. if I'm the only one making an effort to catch up, then this speaks volumes about how "important" I am to him. as someone who tried her best keeping him sane and a bit more cheerful, he considered me as someone precious in that friendly sense. but now that we've moved on with our lives, we're getting busier with our studies and friends - but there was nothing stopping me from talking to him time to time. but he hasn't been doing that in the past few months. this situation feels like a parallel to what I experienced with Joel, only that Ben and I were close in that emotional sense and Joel wasn't really. I keep wondering if Ben is MIA-ing on me purposefully because (like Joel) he's actually really not all that interested in maintaining a friendship with me, or he's honestly "just. too. busy.". I don't know what to think, its bugging me a little, but not as much as other things. it doesn't mean we were emotionally "close" makes it assume-able that I understand how important he views me as. no, it doesn't work that way - there is *effort* required, and if he's not putting it in, I don't want to waste my time.

c'mon, even James is putting aside time to chat with me once in a while. this just speaks volumes..

and about Justin,

sigh I guess I still like him. I can easily relate to any story or situation if it deals with a girl fervently trying to catch the attention of a quiet guy. and I get sad because the girl eventually gets him, but I didn't. then I just started to realize that this saddness I feel is almost identical to when I still had feelings for Ben. sigh, this is the second time I'm feeling like this. just heartbreaking, really. the second guy to break my heart, in a way.

もし

in the next 2-3 years, if I still haven't met anyone else better...I'll settle for you.

but if during that time you've found someone else - I'll let it go.

):

still sad ):

心がまだ痛む。。

random update

I wish I had more time to spend with you girls ):

its cruel =[

unconscious

I'm unconsciously stressed, and in actual fact I really want to cry and just keep crying until I've relieved the stress, but I haven't the guts to cry like that anymore.

Its like if I cry I'll be a weakling and probably can't compare to other people who can manage their lives well without having to cry about stupid crap.

in actual fact I want to like someone, but I haven't the guts to do that either because of previous experience. its kind of like an unconscious "prevention" of myself from doing the same thing again and again. its like what they say "you learn from your experiences." then again I wonder if I'm applying this the right way lol. I just want to take things slowly this time, do it a different way.

I mean I'm just a really systematic person with a robotic step-by-step, fixed-type personality. I always walk straight, and never take turns. so whatever I bump into, I take it in, and I continue walking straight without thinking. though I tread carefully, but I just walk straight. I don't know if I stop to take breaks.

I feel like I'm not cut out for this world in this century. Deep inside what I really want to do, is just live my life without having to worry about my grades, future, love life, etc etc. I'm just really simple-minded, note, simple-MINDED, not simple, and in actuality I cannot take too much stress. but because I live in this world I force myself to do it because I have to, and whether I actually -can- do it is another story. its just not me basically.

sometimes I wish I needn't have to keep worrying about my friendships with other people. I just want to be myself, but that would mean letting go of that one single bond that make some friendships more special than others. I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm putting in my own effort because if you treasure friendships, you need to put in the effort. its just sometimes I wish it was effortless but if I did that I'd be taking things for granted. but I don't feel like myself to be honest. I don't even know if I want to disappear, or have friends, or whatever.

you know I just had this crazy idea about just giving up my dream of being an independent woman without having to rely on other people's income to survive. that I should just go find myself a rich-guy who'd never be poor until at least after I die, so that I can live my life in peace and do whatever I want to. then I wouldn't need to worry about having to score well, and just having an average degree is enough since I wouldn't be working.

its not like I feel like giving up, I don't. but I don't feel like myself. Or maybe I'm just slowly, but surely, shredding away my "old" self of being able to live life freely without too much worry.

posted 16 march, 2011.

again

I saw you know who again today. it just..depressed my alright mood. so much so that I just really wanted to indulge in getting snacks to get over my mood.

to stop letting someone's presence affect you sure is hard; it takes a lot of time - now I believe that for even it just having been a simple case of one-sided feelings.

just what is this?

so I was reading the wiki about "Love" and related term(s).

right I'm a person who can't stand not being able to define a state of mind/emotion that I feel. I prefer emotions and whatnot to have shape, just basically DEFINED. so I just hate it when one "shape" overlaps with another "shape". I mean, why can't two things be completely unrelated yet are in the same category? okay whatever, I'm spouting nonsensical stuff. and its only half-related to the topic at hand.

anyways..

I cannot understand how romantic love is formed between two people. I have tried a few ways of doing it but ultimately I began to understand that it really takes two hands to clap. I'm just baffled at my own circumstances like "Why can't I find romantic love?" I don't know how a couple went about starting their relationship in the past, nor can I understand why people have mutual feelings and affection for each other and yet when I tried, mine was always unrequited. I'm not complaining; I just don't understand the difference between the ways I tried, and the ways they did. but of course you're going to think right now that the difference is "because the other party was also interested". I know that. So yeah, its hard for me to accept how the people I was interested in didn't feel the same way no matter how much I tried, even to build a friendship.

once you know the feeling of love, it becomes hard to find it again. at least, for me that's the way it is. I don't know about you girls. I loved Ben, selflessly and unconditionally even though my feelings still weren't requited. but of course I've gotten over it now. that was how I experienced love, though it was only after breaking up that I came to knew what love was/meant. I don't know how to put this nicely but anyways, I've tried to re-create love but it just doesn't work that way. I cannot see anything beyond a simple liking or affection just being exactly what it is; love is just impossible to "have" when I know what it feels like. I've tried to build things up, but it just never worked out the way I hoped it to and of course it hurt in the process.

I just kept and keep trying and trying, to find romantic love, but I'm not getting it. No, don't start telling me "love comes when you stop finding it". I don't want to hear any of that crap because there is no way a person can "stop trying to find love". So don't pull that bullshit on me.

you know what? I hate it when long-time/successful couples look at me(not literally) like I'm some sort of poor kid in the pre-elemental stages of love. Like they're mocking me from where they sit high up on the "love" ladder. of course they mightn't think like that at all, and its just me thinking wild because of my numerous failed attempts. that's why I don't like to hear nor see certain people I know with their boyfriends. yeah, you're happy, good for you, to not have to experience again what I currently, and HAVE BEEN going through again and again. I'd like to say "You don't know what its like, really. So stop trying to think for my sake because I feel mocked more than anything." but I cannot because even successful couples know what its like to have unrequited feelings of affection (not even at the love stage yet hell :\) I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

anyways..back to the topic. so you guys know my most recent failed attempt. look, I totally understand everything about it. I knew and also understood unrequited affection and all related situations and feelings way before it all started, and I totally understand the after-effects of my failed attempt. so I'm doing what I can to just let it go. of course its hard, as you all also know from your own personal experience. I know that I'm still a little obsessed with him and I do my best to stop fantasizing on "hopeful situations" because they aren't going to happen.

you can just ignore the next paragraph, really. but if you're interested here goes,

there's this wiki article about "limerence" (gosh what kind of term is that?) which describes my feelings in this whole situation from beginning to end. (really, how can limerence be a scientific word for this? it doesn't even sound like its related.) I would greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't misinterpret my feelings then as a crush the whole time. I would feel severely insulted. I've never crushed on someone this long and have that crush develop into some kind of romantic affection(though one-sided), so I know its completely different from a crush. it was something I desired, of course, so I know how it feels like. gosh its so easy to distinguish from crush, like, affection, love and all related terms once you've been experiencing it for long.

so anyway, what was meant as a topic on the term "love" and related issues, has turned out to be a mixed topic of both love and my recent unrquited feelings(again). think you gotta bear with me as my future few posts might contain such things again, though the depth and amount of blogging space attributed to it will diminish over time.

to end this post,

I just really don't get how people attain romantic love.

I've been through failed attempts that I just don't know how to attain something like that anymore.

don't try to say "its a mysterious feeling...you don't know when it comes..." etc etc etc. because I don't need people telling me what I already know and understand. don't go all philosophical about love on me, okay? I'll start bragging about love when I get it. so for now..leave me to drown in my emo-ness.

posted February 27th, 2011