kimi no motoe;

They say, "Once bitten, twice shy."

Does that relate to you I wonder?
I think it does, for many.

I've seen people who've been hurt deeply by falling in love once, as I have, in the past. Its been years, and I've had countless reasons and excuses for not doing it again..


Studies, friends, family, and other personal commitments..

"I simply have no time for guys now."


When I think about it.. they all just sound like flat excuses. Afterall, I know people who balance their love lives with work and family so perfectly that I almost believe they are superhuman. I've never had a real relationship, so I really don't know how much commitment I'd need to pour in into one. Since I've never tried it out, I guess its plausible for me to say "I don't know, really.."


The time when I was in love, it lasted for years; well, just a few, but the me at that point in time - it was a lifetime of one-sided bliss. My feelings were never requited in the end, but I didn't loose anything. I was given the chance to feel and care for someone deeply, to do whatever I could in my limited power to make him smile, so that he wouldn't feel alone in his world. I loved and cared so deeply just for that one person; it never hurt that my efforts were never returned in like - just words of deeply humbled appreciation, and "Its your letters that really keep me going on these days.". I didn't care for him because I wanted to feel "needed" by someone. But as the years passed, my feelings for him slowly faded, but he still remains a precious friend to me, and I still continue to send him letters.


In the years that came, I could never do something like that again. Maybe it was because I was occupied by my studies, but I found it difficult to sow a seed of love in my heart again. I could never really like anyone further than a simple crush, and I didn't want to think too much about my true feelings. Was I running away from myself? Was I afraid of getting hurt? Was I...


Till now I am still living like this in my private life. I've gotten to know more guy-friends around me, but..there is just this gate in my heart that I can't unlock. There are a few suitors around, and I really am quite fond of one or two of them, but..I just...I feel like I'm afraid of taking that one more step. I don't really know why, but I'm just scared of commitment. My life wouldn't change too much if I started to feel for someone, that's a given. I mean, I do feel something. But I just find it hard to really like someone. I want to, I really do, but..


Are we all afraid of getting hurt again? Is that the unwavering, bottomline reason for us to not feel something for someone else? If both parties are afraid, then them both probably need to support each other in this aspect, and slowly build it up to be strong - that's what I just realized.


(Well, this isn't the reason why I gave up on one guy - that's a different story altogether. And he's not one of the suitors, not anymore.)


Posted November 10, 2009