I have so many things to say but I don't know where to start.
setting aside what I told you recently by sms, I want to say these things, and no matter how insensitive this is, I think its better if you knew. I'm sorry that I can't sugarcoat these words.. the last thing I want to do is to hurt you, but I'm hurt, stressed and isolated enough as it is. I think its very difficult for me to consider your feelings this time round and as much as I don't want this post to destroy our friendship, or make you want to severe ties with me, I have absolutely NO ONE ELSE to talk to about all this so that I don't have to take it out on you. Every one person I think of.. it just feels that they live separate lives from me and I can't connect. But at least they hear me out. Still, no matter how they hear it out, I just feel that the problem will never alleviate and its like they're my alcohol to this problem, just a drug to numb the feelings for a while before having to take the drug again. I feel SO ALONE, and to me, you're basically not there anymore. I can't blame it on you either, because we DO LIVE separate lives, and we "don't get to meet often". I put "" because I know that in actual fact its me who "can't" meet up because of my work. I don't know what to say really. You try to reach out to me, but you also consider my priorities, my obligations, and everything else about me, so much so that you only ask how my day is, or have a great day, as if you're a stranger who's trying to wish me well. You never express your desires. So according to you, you don't say much but you care alot, I trust in that, but in all honesty, recently, just knowing you care isn't enough anymore. You can consider your busy schedule akin to mine, so if you know that I'm so occupied, do you think I have the time to actually remind myself "She cares for me."? Our friendship is only living on the messages we send each other. LOL, sounds pathetic isn't it? Its like in our busy schedules we just send random text messages to keep in contact. What's up with that? Its like a desperate attempt at keeping our friendship alive. Both of us do that. I'm not one to say this, and neither can I say something like this to someone like you but "Words alone aren't convincing enough." I'm sorry.
I don't know why I feel so negative about us right now, its probably because of the kind of life I have now - which you know only the general part - I'm studying frequently. I suspect I have to leave you alone often soon too since your semester will be starting, sad as that may seem. Because like you, I understand how important it is this new semester is to you like how my semester is to me. And so the consequence of this? We don't meet often. You don't even TELL me, you only explained to me ONCE that you wanted to ask me out ALOT OF TIMES but didn't attempt to since "you understood I needed to study" and didn't want to disturb me. And the very few times you did, I always rejected them because it was so out of the blue......Argh, I just don't know how to put it. Its just totally not like randomly going out with someone. If it were May Bo, yeah I could do a random hanging-out thing. I don't know but every time you try to ask me out, I just feel that its always at the wrong time. The way you ask, perhaps? I just...just...I don't know really, I don't even know what I'm feeling now whether its just profound sadness, depression, hurt, unsatisfaction, gosh I could write a list. There's just something wrong about us. I can't do normal things with you, I can only do sentimental things with you.
Do you even really know what's going on? No, because I don't tell you even when you ask. Why? Because its random, and I feel like I can't connect with you with what I can say to people who can really understand my situation. We're just so separated now and there's nothing I can do about it, nor suggest, that can make things better because whatever either of us do, it just feels out of the blue and plain weird.
Continuing from, "Do you even really know what's going on?" - No, obviously you don't. You want to know? Sure I'll say it here. Its not everyday I get to blog but just tonight I feel so so so pent up I can't take it anymore and I might just go kill myself from all these things. So I know you know that I'm constantly studying. Do you know what kind of consequence that has for me? Add in that I don't hang out with my uni clique because they all are the go-home-immediately type, and I'm not close to anyone of them, neither can I be close to some other people like I want to because they already have their sticky partner and I don't want to intrude. Do you know what I've become as a result? I'M BECOMING AN ISOLATED, LONESOME, DEPRESSED, SOCIALLY-DEPRIVED PERSON. Try adding on this, "I can't even connect to, nor find solace, in my closest friend anymore." I don't know what to do, there's no one helping me(yeah, according to adults that should be the case yeah we should be independent yeah I'm independent in my own ways), no one's telling me "Girl, you need to take a break." and even my family is like "I totally understand you need to study, don't worry (:" I feel like ABSOLUTELY NO ONE FUCKING CARES IF I HAVE A LIFE ANYMORE BECAUSE WHEN THEY SEE ME ALL THEY SEE IS ME STUDYING AND STUDYING AND STUDYING AND THEY GO "I should leave her to concentrate because that's her life right now." Of course I'm grateful, but you know, as a result, there's no one who can comfort me. I feel like I can keep crying and crying and crying nonstop to the point where I just give up crying and go end it all. I'm sorry, I'm not strong enough for such an onslaught of piling negative feelings that the only way out that I can think of is just to stop everything. Either go kill myself or just continue tumbling down the rabbit hole by going on like this because, afterall, like I always say, "One day's sleep will do the trick." (: !!!!
You're working now and I understand why you don't even come online, and that you're very tired once you're home and you have other obligations. Yeah, I totally understand this. But you know what kind of consequence this had on me? That I could never talk to you nor share my deepest troubles with you anymore because doing it on the phone or on sms just doesn't cut it. Its like "You're just being there for me. You're concerned for me." but you can't connect with me anymore, no matter how you should wish otherwise, and I'm serious when I say that. I just feel that I can't repair this anymore, we're just too separated, and I should just only talk to you about random things, but I can't share my troubles with you anymore. I suppose its because I'm superimposing on you my need for a sticky partner when clearly I really can't see you that way afterall. Before uni started everything was beautiful but at the start of this semester, with your presence in my life diminishing by a million times each week, add on the fact that you're the only person I only depend on for comfort and company right now, everything's changed. I'm sorry for superimposing my needs on our friendship..
I'm sorry for saying all these things because afterall, if you weren't you, I wouldn't be able to say these things and we would definitely slowly drifted apart silently. Maybe the nature of our friendship has changed that our dependency on each other has totally changed. Just imagining how you'd be hurt after reading all this makes me want to give up because normally at this stage you'd want to totally be a stranger in my life. I understand that there's a limit to how much pressure and insensitivity you can take from me, and will understand if you choose to give up.
But if I don't say this out, I'm afraid you'd feel the growing distance between us without knowing why, and at the most, you'd be going for my funeral because the problem I feel about this friendship is not the only trouble I have. I don't feel like I'm driven to the edge, I'm handling my studies well. But its to the point that I cannot put my work down, I feel have no one to hang out with and just doing that with you so suddenly feels weird and wrong to me. I mean, having to tell you to hang out with me? C'mon, its like you're being instructed what to do. I want you to be yourself, but at the same time I wish you could be my sticky partner too.
One thing I noticed is, I'm always the one having problems with this friendship, and this makes me feel like deadweight too. I can't take this anymore.
I'm guessing a solution to this problem is you can't be that kind of sticky partner that I so wish I had because I'm really deprived of that kind of friendship. I guess I should take a step back and not attempt to sticky-friend with you because at the rate its going it doesn't seem to work out. You can't change that, so let's just go back to the way we were 3 years back.
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