I'm unconsciously stressed, and in actual fact I really want to cry and just keep crying until I've relieved the stress, but I haven't the guts to cry like that anymore.
Its like if I cry I'll be a weakling and probably can't compare to other people who can manage their lives well without having to cry about stupid crap.
in actual fact I want to like someone, but I haven't the guts to do that either because of previous experience. its kind of like an unconscious "prevention" of myself from doing the same thing again and again. its like what they say "you learn from your experiences." then again I wonder if I'm applying this the right way lol. I just want to take things slowly this time, do it a different way.
I mean I'm just a really systematic person with a robotic step-by-step, fixed-type personality. I always walk straight, and never take turns. so whatever I bump into, I take it in, and I continue walking straight without thinking. though I tread carefully, but I just walk straight. I don't know if I stop to take breaks.
I feel like I'm not cut out for this world in this century. Deep inside what I really want to do, is just live my life without having to worry about my grades, future, love life, etc etc. I'm just really simple-minded, note, simple-MINDED, not simple, and in actuality I cannot take too much stress. but because I live in this world I force myself to do it because I have to, and whether I actually -can- do it is another story. its just not me basically.
sometimes I wish I needn't have to keep worrying about my friendships with other people. I just want to be myself, but that would mean letting go of that one single bond that make some friendships more special than others. I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm putting in my own effort because if you treasure friendships, you need to put in the effort. its just sometimes I wish it was effortless but if I did that I'd be taking things for granted. but I don't feel like myself to be honest. I don't even know if I want to disappear, or have friends, or whatever.
you know I just had this crazy idea about just giving up my dream of being an independent woman without having to rely on other people's income to survive. that I should just go find myself a rich-guy who'd never be poor until at least after I die, so that I can live my life in peace and do whatever I want to. then I wouldn't need to worry about having to score well, and just having an average degree is enough since I wouldn't be working.
its not like I feel like giving up, I don't. but I don't feel like myself. Or maybe I'm just slowly, but surely, shredding away my "old" self of being able to live life freely without too much worry.
posted 16 march, 2011.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
again
I saw you know who again today. it just..depressed my alright mood. so much so that I just really wanted to indulge in getting snacks to get over my mood.
to stop letting someone's presence affect you sure is hard; it takes a lot of time - now I believe that for even it just having been a simple case of one-sided feelings.
to stop letting someone's presence affect you sure is hard; it takes a lot of time - now I believe that for even it just having been a simple case of one-sided feelings.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
just what is this?
so I was reading the wiki about "Love" and related term(s).
right I'm a person who can't stand not being able to define a state of mind/emotion that I feel. I prefer emotions and whatnot to have shape, just basically DEFINED. so I just hate it when one "shape" overlaps with another "shape". I mean, why can't two things be completely unrelated yet are in the same category? okay whatever, I'm spouting nonsensical stuff. and its only half-related to the topic at hand.
anyways..
I cannot understand how romantic love is formed between two people. I have tried a few ways of doing it but ultimately I began to understand that it really takes two hands to clap. I'm just baffled at my own circumstances like "Why can't I find romantic love?" I don't know how a couple went about starting their relationship in the past, nor can I understand why people have mutual feelings and affection for each other and yet when I tried, mine was always unrequited. I'm not complaining; I just don't understand the difference between the ways I tried, and the ways they did. but of course you're going to think right now that the difference is "because the other party was also interested". I know that. So yeah, its hard for me to accept how the people I was interested in didn't feel the same way no matter how much I tried, even to build a friendship.
once you know the feeling of love, it becomes hard to find it again. at least, for me that's the way it is. I don't know about you girls. I loved Ben, selflessly and unconditionally even though my feelings still weren't requited. but of course I've gotten over it now. that was how I experienced love, though it was only after breaking up that I came to knew what love was/meant. I don't know how to put this nicely but anyways, I've tried to re-create love but it just doesn't work that way. I cannot see anything beyond a simple liking or affection just being exactly what it is; love is just impossible to "have" when I know what it feels like. I've tried to build things up, but it just never worked out the way I hoped it to and of course it hurt in the process.
I just kept and keep trying and trying, to find romantic love, but I'm not getting it. No, don't start telling me "love comes when you stop finding it". I don't want to hear any of that crap because there is no way a person can "stop trying to find love". So don't pull that bullshit on me.
you know what? I hate it when long-time/successful couples look at me(not literally) like I'm some sort of poor kid in the pre-elemental stages of love. Like they're mocking me from where they sit high up on the "love" ladder. of course they mightn't think like that at all, and its just me thinking wild because of my numerous failed attempts. that's why I don't like to hear nor see certain people I know with their boyfriends. yeah, you're happy, good for you, to not have to experience again what I currently, and HAVE BEEN going through again and again. I'd like to say "You don't know what its like, really. So stop trying to think for my sake because I feel mocked more than anything." but I cannot because even successful couples know what its like to have unrequited feelings of affection (not even at the love stage yet hell :\) I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
anyways..back to the topic. so you guys know my most recent failed attempt. look, I totally understand everything about it. I knew and also understood unrequited affection and all related situations and feelings way before it all started, and I totally understand the after-effects of my failed attempt. so I'm doing what I can to just let it go. of course its hard, as you all also know from your own personal experience. I know that I'm still a little obsessed with him and I do my best to stop fantasizing on "hopeful situations" because they aren't going to happen.
you can just ignore the next paragraph, really. but if you're interested here goes,
there's this wiki article about "limerence" (gosh what kind of term is that?) which describes my feelings in this whole situation from beginning to end. (really, how can limerence be a scientific word for this? it doesn't even sound like its related.) I would greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't misinterpret my feelings then as a crush the whole time. I would feel severely insulted. I've never crushed on someone this long and have that crush develop into some kind of romantic affection(though one-sided), so I know its completely different from a crush. it was something I desired, of course, so I know how it feels like. gosh its so easy to distinguish from crush, like, affection, love and all related terms once you've been experiencing it for long.
so anyway, what was meant as a topic on the term "love" and related issues, has turned out to be a mixed topic of both love and my recent unrquited feelings(again). think you gotta bear with me as my future few posts might contain such things again, though the depth and amount of blogging space attributed to it will diminish over time.
to end this post,
I just really don't get how people attain romantic love.
I've been through failed attempts that I just don't know how to attain something like that anymore.
don't try to say "its a mysterious feeling...you don't know when it comes..." etc etc etc. because I don't need people telling me what I already know and understand. don't go all philosophical about love on me, okay? I'll start bragging about love when I get it. so for now..leave me to drown in my emo-ness.
posted February 27th, 2011
right I'm a person who can't stand not being able to define a state of mind/emotion that I feel. I prefer emotions and whatnot to have shape, just basically DEFINED. so I just hate it when one "shape" overlaps with another "shape". I mean, why can't two things be completely unrelated yet are in the same category? okay whatever, I'm spouting nonsensical stuff. and its only half-related to the topic at hand.
anyways..
I cannot understand how romantic love is formed between two people. I have tried a few ways of doing it but ultimately I began to understand that it really takes two hands to clap. I'm just baffled at my own circumstances like "Why can't I find romantic love?" I don't know how a couple went about starting their relationship in the past, nor can I understand why people have mutual feelings and affection for each other and yet when I tried, mine was always unrequited. I'm not complaining; I just don't understand the difference between the ways I tried, and the ways they did. but of course you're going to think right now that the difference is "because the other party was also interested". I know that. So yeah, its hard for me to accept how the people I was interested in didn't feel the same way no matter how much I tried, even to build a friendship.
once you know the feeling of love, it becomes hard to find it again. at least, for me that's the way it is. I don't know about you girls. I loved Ben, selflessly and unconditionally even though my feelings still weren't requited. but of course I've gotten over it now. that was how I experienced love, though it was only after breaking up that I came to knew what love was/meant. I don't know how to put this nicely but anyways, I've tried to re-create love but it just doesn't work that way. I cannot see anything beyond a simple liking or affection just being exactly what it is; love is just impossible to "have" when I know what it feels like. I've tried to build things up, but it just never worked out the way I hoped it to and of course it hurt in the process.
I just kept and keep trying and trying, to find romantic love, but I'm not getting it. No, don't start telling me "love comes when you stop finding it". I don't want to hear any of that crap because there is no way a person can "stop trying to find love". So don't pull that bullshit on me.
you know what? I hate it when long-time/successful couples look at me(not literally) like I'm some sort of poor kid in the pre-elemental stages of love. Like they're mocking me from where they sit high up on the "love" ladder. of course they mightn't think like that at all, and its just me thinking wild because of my numerous failed attempts. that's why I don't like to hear nor see certain people I know with their boyfriends. yeah, you're happy, good for you, to not have to experience again what I currently, and HAVE BEEN going through again and again. I'd like to say "You don't know what its like, really. So stop trying to think for my sake because I feel mocked more than anything." but I cannot because even successful couples know what its like to have unrequited feelings of affection (not even at the love stage yet hell :\) I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
anyways..back to the topic. so you guys know my most recent failed attempt. look, I totally understand everything about it. I knew and also understood unrequited affection and all related situations and feelings way before it all started, and I totally understand the after-effects of my failed attempt. so I'm doing what I can to just let it go. of course its hard, as you all also know from your own personal experience. I know that I'm still a little obsessed with him and I do my best to stop fantasizing on "hopeful situations" because they aren't going to happen.
you can just ignore the next paragraph, really. but if you're interested here goes,
there's this wiki article about "limerence" (gosh what kind of term is that?) which describes my feelings in this whole situation from beginning to end. (really, how can limerence be a scientific word for this? it doesn't even sound like its related.) I would greatly appreciate it if you wouldn't misinterpret my feelings then as a crush the whole time. I would feel severely insulted. I've never crushed on someone this long and have that crush develop into some kind of romantic affection(though one-sided), so I know its completely different from a crush. it was something I desired, of course, so I know how it feels like. gosh its so easy to distinguish from crush, like, affection, love and all related terms once you've been experiencing it for long.
so anyway, what was meant as a topic on the term "love" and related issues, has turned out to be a mixed topic of both love and my recent unrquited feelings(again). think you gotta bear with me as my future few posts might contain such things again, though the depth and amount of blogging space attributed to it will diminish over time.
to end this post,
I just really don't get how people attain romantic love.
I've been through failed attempts that I just don't know how to attain something like that anymore.
don't try to say "its a mysterious feeling...you don't know when it comes..." etc etc etc. because I don't need people telling me what I already know and understand. don't go all philosophical about love on me, okay? I'll start bragging about love when I get it. so for now..leave me to drown in my emo-ness.
posted February 27th, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
人生と鏡
Life and mirrors.
There's so much on my mind that its hard to organize it all and post it here, but I'll try my best!
First and foremost.. I think I'm going through a stage in my life where I have to start shaping myself mentally, emotionally and socially. I think its going to define my person in the years to come. I feel undecided in my opinions about things in life - and I'll make my choices when the time comes. For now, I need to prepare myself.
Although, if there's one thing I've decided, its how I've made the choice to stay the way as I am, generally. Basically, I'm a maturing adult, but I still keep this kid-like side of me. If I don't have it, I'm probably going to be a stone cold person.
This maturity stage right now is, I suppose, the "golden age" for me - where at 21 years (my age this year), I experience, learn, and reflect. and it seems like the perfect age anyway!
I'm not telling you guys to expect a whole new me, or a different me - because all these are personal things deep inside me. its not always "visible".
Everyone is different. I have come to truly experience a taste of this since the start of my university days. I see and observe the people and friends around me, and I unconsciously reflect on the daily(or spontaneous) interactions I have with these people. I try my hand at getting to know some people better - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, albeit subtly - and its okay because at least I'm on good terms with these acquaintances.
I've also come to realize and understand that as we grow older, it becomes harder for us to make new close friends. I've put in the effort to do so, but nothing went deeper. I wonder if its because of how we all already have established friendships with other people we've known from our previous school years? I've more or less decided to stop making obvious attempts at deepening new friendships, but there's nothing stopping me from making new friends throughout the years to come.
I believe everyone is warm deep down inside, even if sometimes they have cold exteriors. I used to think that its always possible to talk to people who behave that way, but after having gone through just one hard try at it, sometimes its just not possible to clique. As they say, it takes two hands to clap. But there is no harm in trying to reach out, to make your sentiments known - "I'd like to be friends with you."
Although, I have to say, that the hardest part, is accepting the fact that sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. This is one thing I find difficult to do. So far in my life, all the people I've met are/were more or less mannered/mature enough to hold a pleasant conversation. Sincerity, decency, responsive. I have never met people who were indifferent, or shy - till now. I believe you all know who I'm talking about - and I don't regret anything. Though sometimes, in all my *cough*despair/failure*cough*, I have sometimes felt that I shouldn't have put in so much emotional effort.
And then the next difficult thing to do, is to let it go. I have..forgotten, how it feels like to let things go because the last time I did, it was 6 years ago and it took me approximately 3-4 years to let it cool down. Throughout the 6 years, there were times when someone caught my eye - but I was never serious about it with myself. And hence as you can guess, I never needed the words "let go".
But this time I made a choice, and I put most of myself in it. It didn't go very well and now, I find myself faced with the last stages of something I started but didn't end well.
Regardless, I can see the end coming, and I should just leave this as it is. Afterall, I put my hand forward for a clap, but nothing happened. I don't know if this was an experience God wanted me to have, but it is precious to me. Because I have learnt more than what I thought I would, in so many, many ways.
Posted January 17th, 2011
There's so much on my mind that its hard to organize it all and post it here, but I'll try my best!
First and foremost.. I think I'm going through a stage in my life where I have to start shaping myself mentally, emotionally and socially. I think its going to define my person in the years to come. I feel undecided in my opinions about things in life - and I'll make my choices when the time comes. For now, I need to prepare myself.
Although, if there's one thing I've decided, its how I've made the choice to stay the way as I am, generally. Basically, I'm a maturing adult, but I still keep this kid-like side of me. If I don't have it, I'm probably going to be a stone cold person.
This maturity stage right now is, I suppose, the "golden age" for me - where at 21 years (my age this year), I experience, learn, and reflect. and it seems like the perfect age anyway!
I'm not telling you guys to expect a whole new me, or a different me - because all these are personal things deep inside me. its not always "visible".
Everyone is different. I have come to truly experience a taste of this since the start of my university days. I see and observe the people and friends around me, and I unconsciously reflect on the daily(or spontaneous) interactions I have with these people. I try my hand at getting to know some people better - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, albeit subtly - and its okay because at least I'm on good terms with these acquaintances.
I've also come to realize and understand that as we grow older, it becomes harder for us to make new close friends. I've put in the effort to do so, but nothing went deeper. I wonder if its because of how we all already have established friendships with other people we've known from our previous school years? I've more or less decided to stop making obvious attempts at deepening new friendships, but there's nothing stopping me from making new friends throughout the years to come.
I believe everyone is warm deep down inside, even if sometimes they have cold exteriors. I used to think that its always possible to talk to people who behave that way, but after having gone through just one hard try at it, sometimes its just not possible to clique. As they say, it takes two hands to clap. But there is no harm in trying to reach out, to make your sentiments known - "I'd like to be friends with you."
Although, I have to say, that the hardest part, is accepting the fact that sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. This is one thing I find difficult to do. So far in my life, all the people I've met are/were more or less mannered/mature enough to hold a pleasant conversation. Sincerity, decency, responsive. I have never met people who were indifferent, or shy - till now. I believe you all know who I'm talking about - and I don't regret anything. Though sometimes, in all my *cough*despair/failure*cough*, I have sometimes felt that I shouldn't have put in so much emotional effort.
And then the next difficult thing to do, is to let it go. I have..forgotten, how it feels like to let things go because the last time I did, it was 6 years ago and it took me approximately 3-4 years to let it cool down. Throughout the 6 years, there were times when someone caught my eye - but I was never serious about it with myself. And hence as you can guess, I never needed the words "let go".
But this time I made a choice, and I put most of myself in it. It didn't go very well and now, I find myself faced with the last stages of something I started but didn't end well.
Regardless, I can see the end coming, and I should just leave this as it is. Afterall, I put my hand forward for a clap, but nothing happened. I don't know if this was an experience God wanted me to have, but it is precious to me. Because I have learnt more than what I thought I would, in so many, many ways.
Posted January 17th, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
why do I miss him?
so I found several answers whilst searching on google. yes, I am THAT desperate to know why, I am THAT desperate to want to do just SOMETHING about this.
I miss him because...
1. I always enjoyed my time with him on all those thursdays. Even though not all of the sessions were particularly exciting or happy, I still miss the interactions I had with him. Regardless of the absence of "beautiful memories" from the time I had with him, I miss him.. though secretly and silently. I treasure those times..because I won't have it back, and it won't happen again..
2. Just being with him as a person, or talking to him makes me happy - however selfish that might seem. I don't know if it makes him happy or irritated though, because I don't know what he thinks of me.
3. Anything related to him reminds me of him. I don't purposefully think of him, but he's just on my mind more or less.
I really wish I could do something to get to know him better slowly, not freaking him out in the process. But I honestly don't know what I should do, or how I should approach him because I'm always interacting with people who are his total opposite. How do I approach him in a subtle/natural way without seeming stalker-ish?
After reading some "tips" about these things, I'm starting to reflect on how I handled each session I had with him. And the result? I have so many things I regret doing/not doing.
For one, I regret asking direct yes/no questions. And I also regret not talking abit about myself with regards to the questions. But I'm just not someone who talks about herself when getting to know other people. I only do that when the other party asks me back. How should I talk about myself without seeming boastful?
Now I also regret not saying goodbye to him after every session. There were a few times that I didn't because I was too ..well, angry at him haha.. I regret not taking approaching this "him" issue positively all the time. But how can I, when he puts my efforts down with every (hopefully unintentional and personality-caused) silent treatment? Can I be forgiven for not saying goodbye after every session to someone I like? Am I making all the efforts to improve the current situation?...
I know I'm not, because that would make it seem too obvious because he's not your normal talking person. Since he's quiet, a bomb might be set off when he notices how often I try talking to him. Nuh-uh, I don't want that happening. But if I don't talk, how am I going to make things better?..
After reading those "tips", I find myself tempted (again) to ask him whether I bother him in a bad way or something along those lines. I'm scared that if I do, I might spoil the situation. But if I don't, I'll never know. But then again..There are times when being subtle and slow works better. Just that sometimes..I can't control myself. Sometimes I feel driven crazy and as if I have an insatiable desire to get along better with him.
And after how long do you confess to someone after liking him for a time? A few months? A few years? How long does it really take anyway? Is there even a fixed time? I guess if you actively talk to that person you could confess in a few months. But if its the opposite of that, a year after that? The only reason I'd even THINK of confessing is because of how I cannot control how I feel. Its hard to keep it inside all the time, having no one to talk to about it, nor advise me on it. But at least I have someone who'd listen to me, though she doesn't say anything much for reasons that I already know (;
Is he even shy? I'm just majorly confused, and I want to know if he is or not. How do I do that? I realize that I'm just a n00b at getting to know guys, especially someone I like. Hell, how is it possible to like someone you don't know well? Shit, I'm starting to get even more confused and more convinced that I'm just liking him out of my usual "needs". I'd hate that.
But till now I'm still thinking of him. Or maybe that's because I'm intrigued by how I still don't know him but want to? Is that why I still like him? What's gonna happen when I DO start to get to know him better?
I think you're probably thinking right now that I think too much about things when I should just do them slowly. I guess you could say I can't help it when I do it all the time. I always assume things that will typically "end this way" or "end that way". As if everything's just too easily predictable and that I'm better off reconsidering my efforts and ideas.
I have no one to talk to nor advise me nor encourage me well. But that's because only a few select people know I like him. Those that do can't help me much because they don't have connections to him, or they just probably think how foolish I am to like someone in such a shallow way, as if I'm not liking them in a true way.
..I just really have no idea how these things work. Its my first in a long, long while, and I'm feeling confused, sad, happy, alone. Is there anyone even happy for me?
I miss him because...
1. I always enjoyed my time with him on all those thursdays. Even though not all of the sessions were particularly exciting or happy, I still miss the interactions I had with him. Regardless of the absence of "beautiful memories" from the time I had with him, I miss him.. though secretly and silently. I treasure those times..because I won't have it back, and it won't happen again..
2. Just being with him as a person, or talking to him makes me happy - however selfish that might seem. I don't know if it makes him happy or irritated though, because I don't know what he thinks of me.
3. Anything related to him reminds me of him. I don't purposefully think of him, but he's just on my mind more or less.
I really wish I could do something to get to know him better slowly, not freaking him out in the process. But I honestly don't know what I should do, or how I should approach him because I'm always interacting with people who are his total opposite. How do I approach him in a subtle/natural way without seeming stalker-ish?
After reading some "tips" about these things, I'm starting to reflect on how I handled each session I had with him. And the result? I have so many things I regret doing/not doing.
For one, I regret asking direct yes/no questions. And I also regret not talking abit about myself with regards to the questions. But I'm just not someone who talks about herself when getting to know other people. I only do that when the other party asks me back. How should I talk about myself without seeming boastful?
Now I also regret not saying goodbye to him after every session. There were a few times that I didn't because I was too ..well, angry at him haha.. I regret not taking approaching this "him" issue positively all the time. But how can I, when he puts my efforts down with every (hopefully unintentional and personality-caused) silent treatment? Can I be forgiven for not saying goodbye after every session to someone I like? Am I making all the efforts to improve the current situation?...
I know I'm not, because that would make it seem too obvious because he's not your normal talking person. Since he's quiet, a bomb might be set off when he notices how often I try talking to him. Nuh-uh, I don't want that happening. But if I don't talk, how am I going to make things better?..
After reading those "tips", I find myself tempted (again) to ask him whether I bother him in a bad way or something along those lines. I'm scared that if I do, I might spoil the situation. But if I don't, I'll never know. But then again..There are times when being subtle and slow works better. Just that sometimes..I can't control myself. Sometimes I feel driven crazy and as if I have an insatiable desire to get along better with him.
And after how long do you confess to someone after liking him for a time? A few months? A few years? How long does it really take anyway? Is there even a fixed time? I guess if you actively talk to that person you could confess in a few months. But if its the opposite of that, a year after that? The only reason I'd even THINK of confessing is because of how I cannot control how I feel. Its hard to keep it inside all the time, having no one to talk to about it, nor advise me on it. But at least I have someone who'd listen to me, though she doesn't say anything much for reasons that I already know (;
Is he even shy? I'm just majorly confused, and I want to know if he is or not. How do I do that? I realize that I'm just a n00b at getting to know guys, especially someone I like. Hell, how is it possible to like someone you don't know well? Shit, I'm starting to get even more confused and more convinced that I'm just liking him out of my usual "needs". I'd hate that.
But till now I'm still thinking of him. Or maybe that's because I'm intrigued by how I still don't know him but want to? Is that why I still like him? What's gonna happen when I DO start to get to know him better?
I think you're probably thinking right now that I think too much about things when I should just do them slowly. I guess you could say I can't help it when I do it all the time. I always assume things that will typically "end this way" or "end that way". As if everything's just too easily predictable and that I'm better off reconsidering my efforts and ideas.
I have no one to talk to nor advise me nor encourage me well. But that's because only a few select people know I like him. Those that do can't help me much because they don't have connections to him, or they just probably think how foolish I am to like someone in such a shallow way, as if I'm not liking them in a true way.
..I just really have no idea how these things work. Its my first in a long, long while, and I'm feeling confused, sad, happy, alone. Is there anyone even happy for me?
Saturday, December 25, 2010
changi airport
so its 6:27am now, and I'm waiting to board Thai airways 2 hours later. so christmas was yesterday and I had a little feast at mom's aunt's ...though I had diarrhoea later lol.
I gotta say though it didnt really feel like christmas
I gotta say though it didnt really feel like christmas
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
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