imperfection?

I'm..envious and I'm more often than not, frustrated at my own uselessness. I can't do anything and I don't know anything that's worthy of merit.


Daphne is so independent; she does everything herself. She works, studies, pays for her own necessities. She takes care of herself like she was her own mom.


And Xin Ying... She's so damn perfect. She's provided for, but yet she's got such a great character and she's so much more independent than I am. She has so many interests that she picks up and has time for.


Maybo..She's so sure of herself. She can bake, and knows so much about cooking. She's a living fashion dictionary (not that I take much interest in dressing myself up all the time, but..). And she also knows alot more things than I do. And she's so much more adept to drawing than I am.


And Jehanne..she's grown up to be a pretty lady, and she's good at her studies. She's got so many co-curricular credits to her name - she's gone to camps, festivals, etc. She's ...so studiously-perfect.


Cindy, Jody, Hui Ying, my own sister..


You guys are so sure of yourselves all the time. There's this aura around you guys that says, "This is me."


I feel...I feel empty. I can't cook, and I'm hardly independent. I don't even know if I can take care of myself. I don't know alot of things, and even though I try to read, it just doesn't ever seem enough to match up to you guys. There's nothing I do that's ever comparable to anyone's.. Its not like I feel really inferior, its more like...I just..hate myself (well, this part of me anyway.) to a certain extent.


I have so many opportunities to learn things and yet..I don't make use of them...
I wish...I wish I was stronger..Like you guys.

.

I honestly CAN'T wait to change my blog layout, like SERIOUSLY.
I'm SO going to change it into sometihng about LOVELESS.
Hopefully self-made..

Posted November 20, 2009

machikirenai!

exams starting tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SO TOTALLY CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO END.
Why?
Because I WANT TO EAT ICE CREAM.
I wanna buy a tub of hagen daaz ice cream and eat it after I've had a nice dinner.
But I can't go down after dinner when I'm in the midst of the examintion period. Bleh.

And there are so many other things I've noted down that I wanna do.
1. Go to the skin centre for some treatment if its available *don't ask*
2. If all goes well for my skin, get a black bikini THAT FITS.
3. Go to the butterfly park with Daphne. YAY BUTTIES <3
4. Watch Twilight: New Moon (w/e the title is) - which is precisely what I've planned for (with Daphne) the day my exams end. w00t.
5. Movie marathon with Daphne at my place
6. Continue my POKEMON GAME. Re-play my other games yay.
7. READ MY BOOKS WTF I'VE GOT SO MANY (well just a few actually..) WAITING TO BE READ.
8. WATCH MY ARCHIVED ANIME.
9. Exercise? I deno. Badminton plz.
10. MY BLOGSHOP D: <
11. DIY stuff again. Because I need more earrings.
12. GET A FRIGGIN' DEBIT CARD AND START BUYING MY MOST WANTED ANIME DVDS.
13. Hang out at wala again. Cold rock ice cream again. Essential Brew's sandwich again. Subway cookies again. ALL AT HV.
14. CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION WITH EACH OF MY CLIQUES!!!!!!!!! I deno what prezzies to get you guys though...Haven't had the time to relax and think about these things yet :\

They're all at the back of my head. I'm barely thinking of doing these things because right now I'm concentrating on my exams. All this can wait. They're not in order of preference though. Just whatever I've been thinking of wanting to do after all this has ended. That said, I'm off now.

Posted November 19, 2009

kimi no motoe;

They say, "Once bitten, twice shy."

Does that relate to you I wonder?
I think it does, for many.

I've seen people who've been hurt deeply by falling in love once, as I have, in the past. Its been years, and I've had countless reasons and excuses for not doing it again..


Studies, friends, family, and other personal commitments..

"I simply have no time for guys now."


When I think about it.. they all just sound like flat excuses. Afterall, I know people who balance their love lives with work and family so perfectly that I almost believe they are superhuman. I've never had a real relationship, so I really don't know how much commitment I'd need to pour in into one. Since I've never tried it out, I guess its plausible for me to say "I don't know, really.."


The time when I was in love, it lasted for years; well, just a few, but the me at that point in time - it was a lifetime of one-sided bliss. My feelings were never requited in the end, but I didn't loose anything. I was given the chance to feel and care for someone deeply, to do whatever I could in my limited power to make him smile, so that he wouldn't feel alone in his world. I loved and cared so deeply just for that one person; it never hurt that my efforts were never returned in like - just words of deeply humbled appreciation, and "Its your letters that really keep me going on these days.". I didn't care for him because I wanted to feel "needed" by someone. But as the years passed, my feelings for him slowly faded, but he still remains a precious friend to me, and I still continue to send him letters.


In the years that came, I could never do something like that again. Maybe it was because I was occupied by my studies, but I found it difficult to sow a seed of love in my heart again. I could never really like anyone further than a simple crush, and I didn't want to think too much about my true feelings. Was I running away from myself? Was I afraid of getting hurt? Was I...


Till now I am still living like this in my private life. I've gotten to know more guy-friends around me, but..there is just this gate in my heart that I can't unlock. There are a few suitors around, and I really am quite fond of one or two of them, but..I just...I feel like I'm afraid of taking that one more step. I don't really know why, but I'm just scared of commitment. My life wouldn't change too much if I started to feel for someone, that's a given. I mean, I do feel something. But I just find it hard to really like someone. I want to, I really do, but..


Are we all afraid of getting hurt again? Is that the unwavering, bottomline reason for us to not feel something for someone else? If both parties are afraid, then them both probably need to support each other in this aspect, and slowly build it up to be strong - that's what I just realized.


(Well, this isn't the reason why I gave up on one guy - that's a different story altogether. And he's not one of the suitors, not anymore.)


Posted November 10, 2009

random update

Hey you guys,
A small update (Been wanting to post in a while)~
Just finished with some revising for a test tomorrow,
Thought I'd do a little update before I go home
since I never seem to update my blog at home lol.
At school is where all the work is done ahaha.

Section 1 of post is about meet-ups with friends.
Section 2 is about personal d0rama.

Anyways,
Exams are coming up soon,
In a matter of a week or two in fact.
So how are you guys anyways?
The only blog I still ever read is Bobo's ahaha.
Sorry xD
I might check out some of your blogs, I just don't do it all the time lulz.

I'll be posting up some pictures after the exams about some stuff I did/bought,
Because I want to SHOW OFF.
=D

Met up Daphne not too long ago and checked out jazz@south bridge.
The only few things I remember, are the rather dim lighting at the corner we sat(which was alright), a milky fruity rum drink I ordered, crinkle fries to go along with it, and a bartender who was pretty cute and fun to joke with. Mwahahaha. Bought a white dress spontaneouly on the same day, and I really do like it. So its money "well spent". IT WAS ON SALE ANYWAY SO WHATEVER.

Then there was Cindy's birthday. Pictures on facebook, which you guys have already checked out. And pool at Jody's as well. Hell I just totally suck as a beginner and made a total fool out of myself -.-

Met up Maybo last thursday to hang out at wala. Finally tried out Cold Rock ice cream with her - it was pretty fabulous. Nice cookie dough, right Bo? Hey I hope you weren't too disappointed with the techy problems that delayed the whole gig for a whole hour. I really do hope you have the intention of hanging out at wala again with me - because they play really good music. I mean, I'm not much of a critic, I just really enjoy myself there all the time. And the fries...Yeah, its really 6$ worth of fries lulz. I didn't know wala had fruity barcadi mixes until we asked about it -.- And Bo took my portion of the 1-for-1 drink. Cranberry flavor is pretty nice...

To spill the beans, I was supposed to have gone to wala with someone else, but he couldn't make it so I asked Maybo instead. Ah wells.

Anyways, on to some more personal matters.

Bo's blog recently been about love and relationships.. Well, to tell you the truth, I've been slightly fond of a guy since school started. But now...eh, I'm just totally gonna give up. I'm not going to bother about my feelings or him or whatever.
That's because some stuff happened, and I kinda experienced some unfounded jealousy that hurt alot I got teary eyed on the bus wtf :\
But there are loads of eye candy in school, and I'm kinda like, eye-ing on one particular guy haha. But I don't know him nor am I able to think of any easy way to get to know him >.< And my friend's lab partner is a really nice guy, I've only ever met him twice though. As much as I'd like to get to know him better, I think it'd be super awkward if I asked my friend for his mail or something. It'd be like spilling 100% beans lulz. Ah well.

I'm not really concentrating all that much on such a life with guys right now though.. I'm pretty much occupied with work and stuff. And I really do need to really start planning for some future things. There's alot of work to do, but yet there are so many other things I need to get into the flow of as well. Checking my mail(school), getting news on stuff happening around the school, and other stuff. Just not only work. AND VISIT THE DENTIST WTF. I've yet to arrange an appointment. I decided to get regular check ups on my teeth. >.<

Anyways, on to something else. At church there's this wonderful perfect family, and my dad is actually long-distance cousins with the mom. Everytime I look at/observe them during service, I'm like, "They're....so complete. The parents are so bonded with each of their 3 kids. The married couple themselves are so close to each other. And on top of it all, they're all so ..intune with God." And what's more there seems to be alot of respect within the marriage. I didn't know the mom was a full-time housewife until my mom told me lol, but I guessed the lady was probably working before she got married/had kids. For a housewife, there's usually this dependency on the husband. And sometimes it makes the woman look inferior. But this lady is so different, she carries her own weight and she shines like the sun for God's sake! And it kinda feels like, the husband never stresses the fact "I AM THE BREADWINNER OKAY?! SO YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME!"
IMO, most men, I believe, are like that.
And my mom. Whenever the family has a conversation (in the car, over lunch etc), she never fails to state, "Eh, who's paying for all this arh?" (She's always paying, don't ask me why my dad doesn't.) And she has to do house chores, which I don't do because I've never had that habit. I mean, I don't mind doing it, its just not inbuilt in me. I can't do something that is not a habit. Its bad I know, but that's besides the point. And she also says that its tough for her to have to behave/talk to each of us differently. She has to deal with our temperamental behavior, deal with my father's sudden outburst of cold war sometimes etc etc etc. The only thing I don't like about this is that she (unintentionally, probably) makes people feel bad by always stressing/hinting the fact that she's always the one paying, and its hard on her. I mean, what do you want me to do? She says "Nevermind la, its okay de." when I suggest paying for it. And my dad NEVER pays. Well he's had a pay cut ever since he turned into a senior citizen. The whole family always relies on my mom to pay for meals basically.
With all that ranting she does periodically, it makes me NEVER want to become a mom.
But then I think again, who's gonna take care of ME when I grow old?
And another thing (that's almost completely unrelated to kids), I don't feel a responsibility to clean up the house or toilet or wash bowls or wash clothes or anything at all.
Anyways, long post is long. And you're at the end of it, just because I can't think of anything else to say.
So, laters~

Posted November 5, 09.