やっぱり胸が痛い。。/ my chest really does feel tight..

I'm hopelessly crushing on Justin. At first I got a little bit angry, and tried to just forget about him entirely from my own and my friends' encouragement.. But every single time, I find myself thinking about him again and again. Then I realized that I just.. really like this person.

At first it was hard to control my feelings and I had my hopes up frequently.. But after a while, I just let things slide and decided to just look at him from afar. It made me really happy to just be able to look at him from far away. And this was last semester..

This time round.. I started the semester in January with the same thinking: Just looking from afar and not talking to him - like I'm just some sort of stranger to him. But the more I saw him the more I wanted to talk to this person.. To get a little bit closer to him. I learned from my past experiences with this person that its hard to get him to talk.

Last semester for the lab module I always felt happy just being able to spot him from afar, but at the same time I kind of.. "hated" on him. Because to me, he was always a difficult person to talk to.. But I was still happy. And my lab partner could tell how happy I was.

Then for this semester I checked the photo gallery for the lab module and found out that he's in the same slot and day again. This time round it was going to be organic laboratory so he would be at the same fumehood all the time instead of last semester when it was physical laboratory where the location of each experiment was different.. So obviously this time I checked which fumehood he would be assigned to, whilst also finding out that another good friend of mine would be in the same lab as he. They'd be in lab 1 while I'd be in lab 2, and even better was that my friend would be doing the same experiments as I would be every week. This gave me a good excuse to visit lab 1 while waiting for my reactions to complete.. Which I always did, every single week. Except for my birthday (yes it fell on a lab day), because that experiment was demanding and I was too nervous to visit Justin's fumehood on my birthday aka valentines.. Whenever I visited lab 2, I told myself that I could use the excuse that my friend was doing the same experiment schedule as I was, to visit his lab where Justin was as well.. Every time I visited I would stop by my friend's before trying to spot where Justin was. The first visit I noticed that his fumehood was at the same row as my friend's - I guess you can say I was pretty happy about it, because it would be easy and convenient to drop by at Justin's. Before I plucked up the courage to talk to Justin, whenever I passed by him at his fumehood, I would tug at his lab sleeve as a form of greeting of sorts.. I wasn't yet prepared to say hi to him in a friendly way yet so I just tugged.. I was happy enough. Some time later I plucked up the courage to "talk" to him - just mindless statements about the lab - like which experiment he was doing, how was it and all. He was unexpectedly more cheerful and happy compared to the previous few semesters - and it made me wonder what had changed for him to become like that, even in the faculty. He was known to be a cold unfriendly person to others at the faculty, and didn't have much of a presence since he always left immediately after lectures ended.. Regardless I was happy and whenever I returned to my own fumehood in the other lab I would be satisfied and happy and would blurt out whatever happened to Vicky who happens to always be beside me during every lab. What I loved the most during these visits was how more friendly he'd become, his voice, his smile (though I never dared to look at him in the face for long - it'd be too much for me to take) - and most of all just standing beside him.. I can never forget how it feels like to stand right beside him. That tall built figure standing right beside someone as petite as I am.. I could always feel myself shaking because of that feeling.

And not only was he in the same day for lab, he was also taking two other modules that I had undertaken too. It made me even happier (heheh), and I managed to give him valentine's chocolates for once. I wonder if he ate them (lol) or.. disposed it, because when I saw him leaving the building a while later he wasn't holding it anymore. One of the modules I always made a point to sit beside him; it was hard to keep myself sane from the accelerated heartbeats and my mind going crazy about how close I was to him again in a while. Though we didn't talk at all, he did cheerfully greet me hello and goodbye before I did - and I returned the greetings as cheerfully and happy as I could - afterall, I really WAS happy about how he said it first before I did.

And now that semester is over.. I guess I will never have the chance to talk to him, nor see him ever again. From what I know, he's going to be doing the industrial attachment in the upcoming semester - and I'll be in school. And the exact opposite when I'm on my own attachment the next next semester. I really wanted to take a photo with him at least for memory's sake but I guess maybe it wasn't meant to be then eh? My friend suggested I could do it during convocation but I told her Justin didn't seem like the sort to attend it.. But if he does, I would really want to snap a shot with him. I don't think I'll be confessing though.

The last time anyone made me feel this way was Ben. I haven't crushed on someone this hopelessly since Ben. But I already know its one-sided, just like it was with Ben. I'm keeping my distance properly and making sure I don't make him feel stalked by a small girl (hahaha) while constantly feeling a heartache whenever I think about this person. I don't think about him every second of every day, but once in a while. Its just really hidden, in a sense - although a few of my friends know how hopeless my case is (heheheh). I can't control my feelings - and they're serious feelings, not some half-assed thing.

All this might sound like some kind of puppy crush and if it really is I won't deny it.. Afterall, I barely know this person and how he's really like. But I'm already hopelessly falling. I like him, a whole lot. To the point that I could cry just by having had a dream in which we were talking like real good friends. I don't desire for anything else right now other than to be able to be better friends with this person.. But its not going to happen any time soon, nor ever.

I hope I can meet someone in the future for whom I can feel the same way and he'd feel the same for me.

heh

I've decided not to pursue anything with Joseph, and also to cut off all ties with said person.

For the past 7 years, we were always on and off contact - all I can remember of our conversations is how they always ended up in the same argument about how he wants to try me. I could never accept it and always ended up blocking him. Its been going on like this for the past few years, and this time round I've decided to put a stop to it after a friend made me truly realize what was happening, and how I was really being treated.

I've been manipulated emotionally and morally to go against my beliefs about how a relationship should be. I will not go into details.. There's too much to say and since I've decided that I do not want this person to resurface in my life again, there's no point in me going on about the reasons to my decision. I've decided, and that's that. Nothing more, and nothing less.

I should have stuck with my beliefs all these years, and now I need to re-affirm in these beliefs.. I need a moral compass for this.. I find it difficult to do this all over again.. I just pray that someone will come by in the future - someone who truly treasures me. Because if he does, then naturally he would respect me, he would make sure *I* was ready as well, basically, he would NEVER pressure me into doing things that go against my beliefs.

I feel so morally gray.. I've been feeling so gray these years. There's not much black and white opinions I have about morality/ethical issues these days.. I feel so.. Just what have I become?

Being a girl is difficult sometimes - especially if you're someone like me. Girls sometimes depend on others' kindness for strength to pick themselves up from where they've fallen. This time round.. Instead of relying on friends' kindness and concern, I want to stand back up on my two feet with my own strength. I want to recover back my beliefs. I don't want to rely on other people's encouragement.. I want to rely on my own strength. I wonder if I will be able to do it. I want to be emotionally independent about this.

"Just wot the fuck you want??"

I asked Joseph that question the other day, and also requested for him to be honest about it. So he said "I want...company."

..Company?? Okay, I'm not sure how many of you get into relationships with motives that are vastly different from your partner, but the general reason for getting into one is because you're interested in the person, right? Like, you LIKE him/her. And also the other party feels the same - hopefully. Even if its not that way, I still find that the way Joseph is approaching all these is just... as if he has no real feelings? I don't like it. Okay well, everything's just barely started because our exams JUST ended a week ago. But nevermind that - this is a journal entry, a place to voice out my real thoughts.

Fuck, I'm not someone whom you can just ..omg, I don't even know how to put all these feelings and thoughts into proper words. Please don't treat me like I'm some person you can ask out and not show any real interest in R.E.A.L.L.Y. wanting to see me? F, I'm not going to say all these things to him, it'll defeat the whole purpose! See if you really like someone, you'd EXPRESS your interest in wanting to meet him/her, right? It doesn't feel that way with Joseph!!! Omg man.

Okay, well, we're just trying. things. out. And here's where my HUGE confusion starts. What does "trying it out" pertain anyway? Does it mean that its just a "okay u free i free, i see first if i want to meet u." wot the fuck?? How are things going to work out that way??? Just ...wot the f man. I don't even know what's going on. I don't want to show that I *want* to see this person when he doesn't show it!!! F THIS MAN!!!

Seriously, if he was really interested in me, and not in this for "company", he'd put his back into asking me out. F, I feel WEIRD saying things like "we" "together" "us", because omg, this is just a try out!!!

What do I feel about all this? What do I really want to do? I want to go out with this person to walk around/watch movies/whatever with the more-than-friends motive. Not the "okay u free i free" thing only. This is the way *I* would do things. I suppose I will need to control my feelings - like, don't start feeling about all this too early or too much - afterall, its just a try out. But when HE does this don't-start-feeling-yet thing on me - in all honesty, it kinda hurts. Like he ALSO doesn't care. Fuck, HE WAS THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED THE TRY OUT. WHY ISN'T HE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT??? Like, asking me out, talking to me etc.

On the topic of talking, okay well, not everyday obviously. But seriously, I don't have any interesting conversations with this person!!! Heck, even from before trying it out it was like this already!! Him and I have nothing in common!! He doesn't make the effort to talk about anything else other than 'hi' 'how was your day' etc.. But I shall *appreciate* it that he at least MAKES the effort to suddenly ask me these things out of the blue.

F THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!! But I guess I shouldn't say things like "I want out" when nothing's really started yet. But if by the end of this summer break there's no improvement then THAT'S IT. I think. I'm going to need to find the courage within me to put an end to this once and for all. The only reason we're back in contact is because of this try out thing. We've had a long history going back to our primary school days and so we have something like a "soft" spot for each other. We've never dated each other before so we decided to try it out - not JUST because we've been friends long and never dated each other before.

Another thing that I *CANNOT* accept is his desire for intimacy. Seriously, INTIMACY IN THE TRY OUT STAGE? DON'T F WITH ME. F NO OKAY. And he CANNOT get this into his F-ING. THICK. SKULL. And that's the reason why I'm always off and on contact with this person - he pisses me off with how lightly he takes this intimacy issue. You want the extra deal of intimacy in this try out stage? SORRY, NO CAN DO. I don't even have the slightest how this try out stage with him is going to work out without intimacy because he's really quite the insistent type. I need to come up with ALOT of countermeasures. But there's a limit to how many encounters I escape.

I don't mind intimacy if we're going SERIOUS, because that's when we have feelings for the other person. But now? NO OKAY. NO CAN DO. NO GO. RED LIGHT.

That's all. I can't think of anymore I wanted to say. Brain bock. Ugh.