..Company?? Okay, I'm not sure how many of you get into relationships with motives that are vastly different from your partner, but the general reason for getting into one is because you're interested in the person, right? Like, you LIKE him/her. And also the other party feels the same - hopefully. Even if its not that way, I still find that the way Joseph is approaching all these is just... as if he has no real feelings? I don't like it. Okay well, everything's just barely started because our exams JUST ended a week ago. But nevermind that - this is a journal entry, a place to voice out my real thoughts.
Fuck, I'm not someone whom you can just ..omg, I don't even know how to put all these feelings and thoughts into proper words. Please don't treat me like I'm some person you can ask out and not show any real interest in R.E.A.L.L.Y. wanting to see me? F, I'm not going to say all these things to him, it'll defeat the whole purpose! See if you really like someone, you'd EXPRESS your interest in wanting to meet him/her, right? It doesn't feel that way with Joseph!!! Omg man.
Okay, well, we're just trying. things. out. And here's where my HUGE confusion starts. What does "trying it out" pertain anyway? Does it mean that its just a "okay u free i free, i see first if i want to meet u." wot the fuck?? How are things going to work out that way??? Just ...wot the f man. I don't even know what's going on. I don't want to show that I *want* to see this person when he doesn't show it!!! F THIS MAN!!!
Seriously, if he was really interested in me, and not in this for "company", he'd put his back into asking me out. F, I feel WEIRD saying things like "we" "together" "us", because omg, this is just a try out!!!
What do I feel about all this? What do I really want to do? I want to go out with this person to walk around/watch movies/whatever with the more-than-friends motive. Not the "okay u free i free" thing only. This is the way *I* would do things. I suppose I will need to control my feelings - like, don't start feeling about all this too early or too much - afterall, its just a try out. But when HE does this don't-start-feeling-yet thing on me - in all honesty, it kinda hurts. Like he ALSO doesn't care. Fuck, HE WAS THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED THE TRY OUT. WHY ISN'T HE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT??? Like, asking me out, talking to me etc.
On the topic of talking, okay well, not everyday obviously. But seriously, I don't have any interesting conversations with this person!!! Heck, even from before trying it out it was like this already!! Him and I have nothing in common!! He doesn't make the effort to talk about anything else other than 'hi' 'how was your day' etc.. But I shall *appreciate* it that he at least MAKES the effort to suddenly ask me these things out of the blue.
F THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!! But I guess I shouldn't say things like "I want out" when nothing's really started yet. But if by the end of this summer break there's no improvement then THAT'S IT. I think. I'm going to need to find the courage within me to put an end to this once and for all. The only reason we're back in contact is because of this try out thing. We've had a long history going back to our primary school days and so we have something like a "soft" spot for each other. We've never dated each other before so we decided to try it out - not JUST because we've been friends long and never dated each other before.
Another thing that I *CANNOT* accept is his desire for intimacy. Seriously, INTIMACY IN THE TRY OUT STAGE? DON'T F WITH ME. F NO OKAY. And he CANNOT get this into his F-ING. THICK. SKULL. And that's the reason why I'm always off and on contact with this person - he pisses me off with how lightly he takes this intimacy issue. You want the extra deal of intimacy in this try out stage? SORRY, NO CAN DO. I don't even have the slightest how this try out stage with him is going to work out without intimacy because he's really quite the insistent type. I need to come up with ALOT of countermeasures. But there's a limit to how many encounters I escape.
I don't mind intimacy if we're going SERIOUS, because that's when we have feelings for the other person. But now? NO OKAY. NO CAN DO. NO GO. RED LIGHT.
That's all. I can't think of anymore I wanted to say. Brain bock. Ugh.
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