cherry tint

God is my refuge and comfort (:

this post is in no way all fluffy, pink and cute. in fact, you could say its the exact opposite. just let me rant, I swear by the end of this post, I'll feel LOADS better, no sarcasm intended!

christmas celebration? personally I think this year's christmas is just one of the most lonely ones I've ever had. like every year on Christmas Day, I'm only going to service with my mom, and after that, sometimes we have a nice christmas lunch at my mom's aunt's place. doesn't seem like that lunch is gonna happen this year. I'm only celebrating it with my parents, hell, I don't even call it celebrating. we're just at home doing whatever we want: mom watching tv in her room, dad watching his movies in the living room, and I'm in my room doing my own stuff. there's never been once when we went out to have a christmas dinner. my sister, you ask? she's having a christmas dinner at her best friend's house. you might ask me, "You have your family with you on christmas, isn't that enough?" technically, I should be. But every year I feel so lonely, and seriously all these things aren't all that exciting as they used to be - I feel like I have no one to really share the joy with. I can't ask my friends out because they ALL have SOMEONE to share that joy with already. Why I don't ask my parents to go out? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. THEY JUST WANT TO STAY AT HOME. ESPECIALLY MY FATHER. SERIOUSLY I AM SICK OF THIS. EVERY TIME ITS LIKE THIS. You ask me, "Go ask someone out then!" I ALREADY SAID, I HAVE NO ONE. I AM ALONE. Doesn't that spell out the situation already? Every, single, year. Am I unappreciative? It certainly sounds like it. And I say the same thing on my birthday almost every year. I have friends around me whom I meet for my birthday and for christmas - but honestly, I can't be satisfied. I just don't have that special someone to share my happiness with, and I am truly envious of those who do. I'm also envious of those who are single, and yet feel happy enough to have friends and family around them to share these joys with. Is it because that I don't love my friends and family enough, that I am still single? Afterall, God teaches, "Only when you love your family, can you have the capacity to love others." I take that as me not loving and appreciating my family enough. But seriously I just.. I feel like I've had enough. Every year I say the same thinsS, and I will possibly continue to do so annually.

I am honestly not enjoying myself this christmas, at all. Aside from having my own private time, I have never felt so detached and empty. I find that I hardly talk about myself anymore, and I probably just ask my friends how they've been. I don't open up myself to anyone anymore. I don't do it to my closest friend anymore either. If she thinks I do, then the things I tell her are not my real troubles at all. Those things are still my troubles, but I guess I would classify them as medium troubles. I don't ever confide in anyone about the troubles I'm struggling with deep down in my heart. I'm sorry.. Its not that I'm typing this out for her to read, I'm typing it out because I need to vent since I don't have anyone I trust and feel connected to enough to pour out my troubles. Then here's another question, "Do I want a boyfriend to whom I can pour out my inner troubles?" Honestly, I sure don't want to treat my boyfriend as someone like that. A boyfriend is not supposed to be a diary or a blog or a confidant. Maybe just a little will do, but I'm of the opinion that guys don't like to hear emotional shit from girls. "If girls are too emotional, they're a total turn off." Then how am I to survive? Well, here's your answer: I've been struggling on my own and not confiding in anyone.

I feel like I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I would like a special someone, but because I don't appreciate my family and friends enough, I feel that I can't have that special someone yet. why am I not happy? what is happiness to me? what is true happiness to me? I feel immensely hurt but I don't dwell on these kinds of feelings anymore - just basically looking at things from a more positive perspective. but isn't that just an avenue of escape from my problems? you just continue to "look from the positive perspectives" and eventually you come to convince yourself that you are happier and less depressed, but then it all comes back and you realize you were just lying to yourself, that you just believed that you were okay when you really weren't. I just don't understand these things anymore. I used to be pretty emotional, but this past year I've been looking from a positive perspective and things really turned out for the better. but then my old problems started to hunt me again when my mind is empty of studies. so was I truly looking from a more positive perspective, or was I just running away? of course, you could also suggest that I'm just depressed right now.

I feel hardly happy these days, or am I just thinking I'm not, but actually am unconsciously? Though I said my family isn't doing anything on christmas, that's just for Christmas day itself. We actually have had movie outings on weekends for the past two weeks I think, does that make me happy enough? I know I enjoyed myself, but during those times I just felt very conscious of how I was wondering if I was truly happy and enjoying myself, or going with the flow. I hope that next time, even though I am going with the flow, I can also make something out of it and tell myself that I really am happy. this is so conflicting. I'm sure you're wondering "You worry too much." Personally, it doesn't feel that way to me because I feel that this is a serious problem that can make me feel indifference more and more often. as if nothing really excites me, as if I just cannot truly do what I want with people around me. I feel like I am just causing trouble for them by doing what I want. I cannot feel at ease. Its precisely because our interests are not aligned that I feel this way. Moreover, because of this, I have slowly been just unable to share my interests with anyone anymore. Its impossible. I've been like this for quite long - just not talking about my hobbies and interests and sharing and fangirling with one person, that its become almost practically impossible for me to truly, heatedly, and passionately talk about the things I like. If you want me to, I'm sorry but I can't do that anymore. You won't understand what I'm talking about anyway.

you want me to say this honestly? I definitely feel lonely that my best friend is not with me at this time. I don't know how she feels or thinks inside, but sometimes I feel that I can never be a confidant for her because of my sensitivity to some things and also because she has someone, unlike me. Though how her relationship with that person is like, I do not really know. Things can never be the same - I'm over with the "feel hurt" part already, and have sadly and slowly been able to accept the truth that I can't be with her anymore, so the kind of "things can never be the same again" statement means something along the lines of "I know you're sad that I'm saying these things, and I'm sad too. We both try to work together to make things work out no matter what, and we definitely will, rest assured. But *I* cannot be as carefree as I was around you like in the past. I'm sure you've noticed this. [: Its not something that either of us can control." Something like that I think? I'm not angry or anything.. Its a hard lesson I've learnt, that friends can never be forever with you, that the nature of friendships will change one day. I wonder how we'll be like when I have my own relationship? Maybe I will come to understand your problems and troubles you've had about me, then.. Until then, I ask that you forgive me for being insensitive, sensitive, demanding, and distanced, right now. Its just how I feel right now. Its a way I use to prevent myself from getting hurt I guess?

I was talking with a guy friend the other day, and we came upon the topic of relationships and how I'm still single. I told him, "I don't like getting too close to guys sometimes." and he retorted, saying "Then how on earth can you get a boyfriend?" right now I'm thinking, "What do you know about me and the guys around me whom I'm interested in?" I choose not to get too close to guys I may become interested in - BECAUSE THEY ARE ATTACHED ALREADY!!!! Get that??? That's why I'm not close to guys, I dare not talk too much nor be myself too much around guys whom I'm actually a little interested in, just because they are attached! I'm too afraid of the worst possible consequences, though they may never happen. I'm too afraid of them, because I don't want them to happen at all. I'm probably thinking too much again, but my fear kind of controls me in these situations. Though I'm glad enough that for other guys who are attached whom I may be interested in - that the line has been drawn and I'm comfortable with it. Those are good guy friends to have, thank God for them.

now that's that.. I do apologize for this long and negative ranting post.. to sum up, I'm kind of really hurt for some things, but still okay with others, trying to stay positive in some, and realizing and understanding that I'm slowly distancing myself from people so much that I've lost myself and any excited chats I used to ever have. anything I ever say to people these things, half of the time they're forced, sad to say. or I'm just trying to make surface conversation. I'm looking to connect, but haven't found anyone so I'm not even trying to connect anymore. I'm slowly loosing the passions and excitement of life itself. I'm also more aware of and understand better my darker emotions. things that I didn't want to face previously, things that I've tried to suppress in order to stay as a "good" christian. but I realize that I have to accept these dark thoughts that I have about people and myself in general, before I can move on from these thoughts..

I'm also not a very smart person, but for important things I try as best as I know how to. In all aspects of life, I'm really just a baby I realized - really! I'm also not a very nice person at all, only probably towards my closer circle of friends then I'm nicer and more sincere. Otherwise, I don't give much of a shit. I'm sorry to say it this harsh, but I want me and myself to realize that. So that I can handle new/future friendships better, instead of portraying a really "nice" me all the time. Okay here's the deal, for surface social relationships with people, I'm generally respectful, nice, sometimes upbeat enough for a topic I can relate to, and helpful for small stuff. But if you want to delve into a deeper friendship than that, I'm sorry, if I feel annoyed or irritated by some of your antics, I may just avoid you for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure some people do that to me too, its understandable. Its awkward, but hey, thats how I handle these things right now. If we're really good friends enough on the surface, I usually show appreciation on birthdays. Its like an obligation I have, its just personal, really. Though I figured this year, that its high time I try not to do that haha, unless that person really means alot to me in some aspects of my life. so now that I've ranted everything out, I feel better, and have more strength to continue to think and try to stay positive, ignoring the "am I really being positive" part.

Its a little early but.. ちょっと早いですけど。。

Its been a fruitful year full of changes, life lessons, heartbreak, and happiness.

I wonder, where should I start? Listening to Chemistry's Winter of Love album makes me want to do up a blog post about this past year.. And I've been wanting to do it anyway.

I think the most significant thing that's happened this year is my own growth. There's definitely more to learn out there about social relationships and personal growth, but for this year this has been more than I'd hoped for. Honestly I can't really remember the first few months this year, except that I was still feeling jolly and free as a student. Those months feel like a few years ago. But now, as my last studying semester has come to pass, the NTU chapter in my life is about to come to a close. I am going to miss NTU, it has been like a second home for the past 4 years and I really loved my time there. It feels like I've been in NTU for more than 4 years, what with all the people I've met, and how much I've changed. How was I like 4 years ago? I can't really remember, but I'm glad I've had these changes.

I remember back in May/June I had a turbulent time with a friend.. I almost wanted to give up, but I'm glad I didn't.. I've only just realized that I take a little longer to adapt to social changes. Some things can't be helped, but that doesn't mean I should stay trapped in the past, because like how things have changed, I have changed too. My friend is not complaining about it, she's kept quiet and watched me grow in the hopes I'd come to understand. I'm glad she didn't give up on me either.. I've really come to realize that I don't grow very fast, nor do I adapt very fast to vastly changing social environments. I realized that I'm not a very nice person anymore, and I'm more self-centered. In the schooling life I've had these past few years, the way I prioritize makes me more aware of only me and myself, and that other things are secondary. I'm glad I decided to really just change my priorities abit a few months back, and everything now is so much more joyful. I'm so much more happy by doing this little change, and I'm glad I did it, because this person means so much to me and I really wanted to do something. Like how my friend puts so much effort in, I really figured that I should return the effort, because it takes two hands to clap. Though nothing can stay the same, I hope that I will continue to put this effort in especially when I start working.. We'll go through this together, okay?

I mentioned heartbreak too, didn't I? Well, no, I haven't been in a relationship, but I've had some wonderful experiences and lessons learnt. I had my eye on 3 people the past year, but now, there are none. Don't take this the wrong way - I am neither sad nor angry. I'm glad I met these people, they've made me realize and learn the hard way about my feelings and myself. "Don't be a girl about it." one of them said to me, I clearly remember wanting to reply "I'm a GIRL. How can I NOT be a girl about it??" So I realized I wouldn't want a guy like that. At the same time, I was becoming better friends with someone else who told me "Don't bash yourself up like that." when I wasn't feeling my best. One of the rarer instances when I felt support and understanding from a guy - it doesn't happen to me often because I'm not very close to guys. We talk about anything under the sun, and we're comfortable about it. We even know each other's crushes. But alas, his crush was also returning his feelings. He told me about how there was someone he 'was getting close to', but I didn't make anything much of that statement.. Until I happened to chance upon them together studying. I felt hurt, truthfully. Then I realized, ah, this must be some sort of jealousy.. I didn't want to lie to myself, so I told myself what I was feeling, "Yes, I'm actually hurt." I wasn't too depressed nor too affected, because there were circumstances about us that were rather.. abnormal. The most important thing I got out of this was the kind of guy I would like for a partner in the future. Someone whom I can support and receive support in return. Someone with whom its okay to be abit stupid or dumb. Someone with whom you can bear to let look when you're looking most cui, or feeling down. Someone with whom you don't want to bash yourself up too much because he said so and because you want to be positive about yourself too. Then, these two guys made me realize how futile my attempt to connect with my crush was, and so I have finally decided to really just move on - maybe there really wasn't anything there afterall. I won't be seeing him again anymore, so its a good time to let go. I actually do feel that I'm slowly forgetting about this person as time passes - a person can only be on your mind if you connect with him/her. If not, then things just.. gradually disappear, and then you realize, oh! its actually fading away.

I also mentioned "happiness" right? Well you got that right - the previous two add on to my happiness, whilst my japan trip was the highlight of this year I think? When I look back at the pictures I took, they feel nostalgic and I can't help but crack up at the pictures we took together, the time we spent together, the time we had living together in the same room. Its just extremely unforgettable. I'm going back to Japan next june, though not with the same company. I don't know if I'm ever going with them again, but I sure wouldn't mind it. We compromise well together, we work pretty alright together. We spill the beans good enough together. That said, maybe for just one person I cannot feel comfortable around with - it started to feel really bad and awkward AFTER the trip when the semester started. I don't hate the person - there's just something wrong. I hope I can get over it, but who knows? I'm not a very nice person afterall :p I care more for the people whom are closer to me, or whom I can connect better with. Really, you just CANNOT keep up the "nice" facade all the time - its pretty much impossible if you're not the type (: I have to find ways to present myself in a good manner even though I'm not nice.