I wonder, where should I start? Listening to Chemistry's Winter of Love album makes me want to do up a blog post about this past year.. And I've been wanting to do it anyway.
I think the most significant thing that's happened this year is my own growth. There's definitely more to learn out there about social relationships and personal growth, but for this year this has been more than I'd hoped for. Honestly I can't really remember the first few months this year, except that I was still feeling jolly and free as a student. Those months feel like a few years ago. But now, as my last studying semester has come to pass, the NTU chapter in my life is about to come to a close. I am going to miss NTU, it has been like a second home for the past 4 years and I really loved my time there. It feels like I've been in NTU for more than 4 years, what with all the people I've met, and how much I've changed. How was I like 4 years ago? I can't really remember, but I'm glad I've had these changes.
I remember back in May/June I had a turbulent time with a friend.. I almost wanted to give up, but I'm glad I didn't.. I've only just realized that I take a little longer to adapt to social changes. Some things can't be helped, but that doesn't mean I should stay trapped in the past, because like how things have changed, I have changed too. My friend is not complaining about it, she's kept quiet and watched me grow in the hopes I'd come to understand. I'm glad she didn't give up on me either.. I've really come to realize that I don't grow very fast, nor do I adapt very fast to vastly changing social environments. I realized that I'm not a very nice person anymore, and I'm more self-centered. In the schooling life I've had these past few years, the way I prioritize makes me more aware of only me and myself, and that other things are secondary. I'm glad I decided to really just change my priorities abit a few months back, and everything now is so much more joyful. I'm so much more happy by doing this little change, and I'm glad I did it, because this person means so much to me and I really wanted to do something. Like how my friend puts so much effort in, I really figured that I should return the effort, because it takes two hands to clap. Though nothing can stay the same, I hope that I will continue to put this effort in especially when I start working.. We'll go through this together, okay?
I mentioned heartbreak too, didn't I? Well, no, I haven't been in a relationship, but I've had some wonderful experiences and lessons learnt. I had my eye on 3 people the past year, but now, there are none. Don't take this the wrong way - I am neither sad nor angry. I'm glad I met these people, they've made me realize and learn the hard way about my feelings and myself. "Don't be a girl about it." one of them said to me, I clearly remember wanting to reply "I'm a GIRL. How can I NOT be a girl about it??" So I realized I wouldn't want a guy like that. At the same time, I was becoming better friends with someone else who told me "Don't bash yourself up like that." when I wasn't feeling my best. One of the rarer instances when I felt support and understanding from a guy - it doesn't happen to me often because I'm not very close to guys. We talk about anything under the sun, and we're comfortable about it. We even know each other's crushes. But alas, his crush was also returning his feelings. He told me about how there was someone he 'was getting close to', but I didn't make anything much of that statement.. Until I happened to chance upon them together studying. I felt hurt, truthfully. Then I realized, ah, this must be some sort of jealousy.. I didn't want to lie to myself, so I told myself what I was feeling, "Yes, I'm actually hurt." I wasn't too depressed nor too affected, because there were circumstances about us that were rather.. abnormal. The most important thing I got out of this was the kind of guy I would like for a partner in the future. Someone whom I can support and receive support in return. Someone with whom its okay to be abit stupid or dumb. Someone with whom you can bear to let look when you're looking most cui, or feeling down. Someone with whom you don't want to bash yourself up too much because he said so and because you want to be positive about yourself too. Then, these two guys made me realize how futile my attempt to connect with my crush was, and so I have finally decided to really just move on - maybe there really wasn't anything there afterall. I won't be seeing him again anymore, so its a good time to let go. I actually do feel that I'm slowly forgetting about this person as time passes - a person can only be on your mind if you connect with him/her. If not, then things just.. gradually disappear, and then you realize, oh! its actually fading away.
I also mentioned "happiness" right? Well you got that right - the previous two add on to my happiness, whilst my japan trip was the highlight of this year I think? When I look back at the pictures I took, they feel nostalgic and I can't help but crack up at the pictures we took together, the time we spent together, the time we had living together in the same room. Its just extremely unforgettable. I'm going back to Japan next june, though not with the same company. I don't know if I'm ever going with them again, but I sure wouldn't mind it. We compromise well together, we work pretty alright together. We spill the beans good enough together. That said, maybe for just one person I cannot feel comfortable around with - it started to feel really bad and awkward AFTER the trip when the semester started. I don't hate the person - there's just something wrong. I hope I can get over it, but who knows? I'm not a very nice person afterall :p I care more for the people whom are closer to me, or whom I can connect better with. Really, you just CANNOT keep up the "nice" facade all the time - its pretty much impossible if you're not the type (: I have to find ways to present myself in a good manner even though I'm not nice.
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