cherry tint

God is my refuge and comfort (:

this post is in no way all fluffy, pink and cute. in fact, you could say its the exact opposite. just let me rant, I swear by the end of this post, I'll feel LOADS better, no sarcasm intended!

christmas celebration? personally I think this year's christmas is just one of the most lonely ones I've ever had. like every year on Christmas Day, I'm only going to service with my mom, and after that, sometimes we have a nice christmas lunch at my mom's aunt's place. doesn't seem like that lunch is gonna happen this year. I'm only celebrating it with my parents, hell, I don't even call it celebrating. we're just at home doing whatever we want: mom watching tv in her room, dad watching his movies in the living room, and I'm in my room doing my own stuff. there's never been once when we went out to have a christmas dinner. my sister, you ask? she's having a christmas dinner at her best friend's house. you might ask me, "You have your family with you on christmas, isn't that enough?" technically, I should be. But every year I feel so lonely, and seriously all these things aren't all that exciting as they used to be - I feel like I have no one to really share the joy with. I can't ask my friends out because they ALL have SOMEONE to share that joy with already. Why I don't ask my parents to go out? BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO. THEY JUST WANT TO STAY AT HOME. ESPECIALLY MY FATHER. SERIOUSLY I AM SICK OF THIS. EVERY TIME ITS LIKE THIS. You ask me, "Go ask someone out then!" I ALREADY SAID, I HAVE NO ONE. I AM ALONE. Doesn't that spell out the situation already? Every, single, year. Am I unappreciative? It certainly sounds like it. And I say the same thing on my birthday almost every year. I have friends around me whom I meet for my birthday and for christmas - but honestly, I can't be satisfied. I just don't have that special someone to share my happiness with, and I am truly envious of those who do. I'm also envious of those who are single, and yet feel happy enough to have friends and family around them to share these joys with. Is it because that I don't love my friends and family enough, that I am still single? Afterall, God teaches, "Only when you love your family, can you have the capacity to love others." I take that as me not loving and appreciating my family enough. But seriously I just.. I feel like I've had enough. Every year I say the same thinsS, and I will possibly continue to do so annually.

I am honestly not enjoying myself this christmas, at all. Aside from having my own private time, I have never felt so detached and empty. I find that I hardly talk about myself anymore, and I probably just ask my friends how they've been. I don't open up myself to anyone anymore. I don't do it to my closest friend anymore either. If she thinks I do, then the things I tell her are not my real troubles at all. Those things are still my troubles, but I guess I would classify them as medium troubles. I don't ever confide in anyone about the troubles I'm struggling with deep down in my heart. I'm sorry.. Its not that I'm typing this out for her to read, I'm typing it out because I need to vent since I don't have anyone I trust and feel connected to enough to pour out my troubles. Then here's another question, "Do I want a boyfriend to whom I can pour out my inner troubles?" Honestly, I sure don't want to treat my boyfriend as someone like that. A boyfriend is not supposed to be a diary or a blog or a confidant. Maybe just a little will do, but I'm of the opinion that guys don't like to hear emotional shit from girls. "If girls are too emotional, they're a total turn off." Then how am I to survive? Well, here's your answer: I've been struggling on my own and not confiding in anyone.

I feel like I have a lot of conflicting feelings. I would like a special someone, but because I don't appreciate my family and friends enough, I feel that I can't have that special someone yet. why am I not happy? what is happiness to me? what is true happiness to me? I feel immensely hurt but I don't dwell on these kinds of feelings anymore - just basically looking at things from a more positive perspective. but isn't that just an avenue of escape from my problems? you just continue to "look from the positive perspectives" and eventually you come to convince yourself that you are happier and less depressed, but then it all comes back and you realize you were just lying to yourself, that you just believed that you were okay when you really weren't. I just don't understand these things anymore. I used to be pretty emotional, but this past year I've been looking from a positive perspective and things really turned out for the better. but then my old problems started to hunt me again when my mind is empty of studies. so was I truly looking from a more positive perspective, or was I just running away? of course, you could also suggest that I'm just depressed right now.

I feel hardly happy these days, or am I just thinking I'm not, but actually am unconsciously? Though I said my family isn't doing anything on christmas, that's just for Christmas day itself. We actually have had movie outings on weekends for the past two weeks I think, does that make me happy enough? I know I enjoyed myself, but during those times I just felt very conscious of how I was wondering if I was truly happy and enjoying myself, or going with the flow. I hope that next time, even though I am going with the flow, I can also make something out of it and tell myself that I really am happy. this is so conflicting. I'm sure you're wondering "You worry too much." Personally, it doesn't feel that way to me because I feel that this is a serious problem that can make me feel indifference more and more often. as if nothing really excites me, as if I just cannot truly do what I want with people around me. I feel like I am just causing trouble for them by doing what I want. I cannot feel at ease. Its precisely because our interests are not aligned that I feel this way. Moreover, because of this, I have slowly been just unable to share my interests with anyone anymore. Its impossible. I've been like this for quite long - just not talking about my hobbies and interests and sharing and fangirling with one person, that its become almost practically impossible for me to truly, heatedly, and passionately talk about the things I like. If you want me to, I'm sorry but I can't do that anymore. You won't understand what I'm talking about anyway.

you want me to say this honestly? I definitely feel lonely that my best friend is not with me at this time. I don't know how she feels or thinks inside, but sometimes I feel that I can never be a confidant for her because of my sensitivity to some things and also because she has someone, unlike me. Though how her relationship with that person is like, I do not really know. Things can never be the same - I'm over with the "feel hurt" part already, and have sadly and slowly been able to accept the truth that I can't be with her anymore, so the kind of "things can never be the same again" statement means something along the lines of "I know you're sad that I'm saying these things, and I'm sad too. We both try to work together to make things work out no matter what, and we definitely will, rest assured. But *I* cannot be as carefree as I was around you like in the past. I'm sure you've noticed this. [: Its not something that either of us can control." Something like that I think? I'm not angry or anything.. Its a hard lesson I've learnt, that friends can never be forever with you, that the nature of friendships will change one day. I wonder how we'll be like when I have my own relationship? Maybe I will come to understand your problems and troubles you've had about me, then.. Until then, I ask that you forgive me for being insensitive, sensitive, demanding, and distanced, right now. Its just how I feel right now. Its a way I use to prevent myself from getting hurt I guess?

I was talking with a guy friend the other day, and we came upon the topic of relationships and how I'm still single. I told him, "I don't like getting too close to guys sometimes." and he retorted, saying "Then how on earth can you get a boyfriend?" right now I'm thinking, "What do you know about me and the guys around me whom I'm interested in?" I choose not to get too close to guys I may become interested in - BECAUSE THEY ARE ATTACHED ALREADY!!!! Get that??? That's why I'm not close to guys, I dare not talk too much nor be myself too much around guys whom I'm actually a little interested in, just because they are attached! I'm too afraid of the worst possible consequences, though they may never happen. I'm too afraid of them, because I don't want them to happen at all. I'm probably thinking too much again, but my fear kind of controls me in these situations. Though I'm glad enough that for other guys who are attached whom I may be interested in - that the line has been drawn and I'm comfortable with it. Those are good guy friends to have, thank God for them.

now that's that.. I do apologize for this long and negative ranting post.. to sum up, I'm kind of really hurt for some things, but still okay with others, trying to stay positive in some, and realizing and understanding that I'm slowly distancing myself from people so much that I've lost myself and any excited chats I used to ever have. anything I ever say to people these things, half of the time they're forced, sad to say. or I'm just trying to make surface conversation. I'm looking to connect, but haven't found anyone so I'm not even trying to connect anymore. I'm slowly loosing the passions and excitement of life itself. I'm also more aware of and understand better my darker emotions. things that I didn't want to face previously, things that I've tried to suppress in order to stay as a "good" christian. but I realize that I have to accept these dark thoughts that I have about people and myself in general, before I can move on from these thoughts..

I'm also not a very smart person, but for important things I try as best as I know how to. In all aspects of life, I'm really just a baby I realized - really! I'm also not a very nice person at all, only probably towards my closer circle of friends then I'm nicer and more sincere. Otherwise, I don't give much of a shit. I'm sorry to say it this harsh, but I want me and myself to realize that. So that I can handle new/future friendships better, instead of portraying a really "nice" me all the time. Okay here's the deal, for surface social relationships with people, I'm generally respectful, nice, sometimes upbeat enough for a topic I can relate to, and helpful for small stuff. But if you want to delve into a deeper friendship than that, I'm sorry, if I feel annoyed or irritated by some of your antics, I may just avoid you for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure some people do that to me too, its understandable. Its awkward, but hey, thats how I handle these things right now. If we're really good friends enough on the surface, I usually show appreciation on birthdays. Its like an obligation I have, its just personal, really. Though I figured this year, that its high time I try not to do that haha, unless that person really means alot to me in some aspects of my life. so now that I've ranted everything out, I feel better, and have more strength to continue to think and try to stay positive, ignoring the "am I really being positive" part.