人生と鏡

Life and mirrors.

There's so much on my mind that its hard to organize it all and post it here, but I'll try my best!

First and foremost.. I think I'm going through a stage in my life where I have to start shaping myself mentally, emotionally and socially. I think its going to define my person in the years to come. I feel undecided in my opinions about things in life - and I'll make my choices when the time comes. For now, I need to prepare myself.

Although, if there's one thing I've decided, its how I've made the choice to stay the way as I am, generally. Basically, I'm a maturing adult, but I still keep this kid-like side of me. If I don't have it, I'm probably going to be a stone cold person.

This maturity stage right now is, I suppose, the "golden age" for me - where at 21 years (my age this year), I experience, learn, and reflect. and it seems like the perfect age anyway!

I'm not telling you guys to expect a whole new me, or a different me - because all these are personal things deep inside me. its not always "visible".

Everyone is different. I have come to truly experience a taste of this since the start of my university days. I see and observe the people and friends around me, and I unconsciously reflect on the daily(or spontaneous) interactions I have with these people. I try my hand at getting to know some people better - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, albeit subtly - and its okay because at least I'm on good terms with these acquaintances.

I've also come to realize and understand that as we grow older, it becomes harder for us to make new close friends. I've put in the effort to do so, but nothing went deeper. I wonder if its because of how we all already have established friendships with other people we've known from our previous school years? I've more or less decided to stop making obvious attempts at deepening new friendships, but there's nothing stopping me from making new friends throughout the years to come.

I believe everyone is warm deep down inside, even if sometimes they have cold exteriors. I used to think that its always possible to talk to people who behave that way, but after having gone through just one hard try at it, sometimes its just not possible to clique. As they say, it takes two hands to clap. But there is no harm in trying to reach out, to make your sentiments known - "I'd like to be friends with you."

Although, I have to say, that the hardest part, is accepting the fact that sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. This is one thing I find difficult to do. So far in my life, all the people I've met are/were more or less mannered/mature enough to hold a pleasant conversation. Sincerity, decency, responsive. I have never met people who were indifferent, or shy - till now. I believe you all know who I'm talking about - and I don't regret anything. Though sometimes, in all my *cough*despair/failure*cough*, I have sometimes felt that I shouldn't have put in so much emotional effort.

And then the next difficult thing to do, is to let it go. I have..forgotten, how it feels like to let things go because the last time I did, it was 6 years ago and it took me approximately 3-4 years to let it cool down. Throughout the 6 years, there were times when someone caught my eye - but I was never serious about it with myself. And hence as you can guess, I never needed the words "let go".

But this time I made a choice, and I put most of myself in it. It didn't go very well and now, I find myself faced with the last stages of something I started but didn't end well.

Regardless, I can see the end coming, and I should just leave this as it is. Afterall, I put my hand forward for a clap, but nothing happened. I don't know if this was an experience God wanted me to have, but it is precious to me. Because I have learnt more than what I thought I would, in so many, many ways.

Posted January 17th, 2011

why do I miss him?

so I found several answers whilst searching on google. yes, I am THAT desperate to know why, I am THAT desperate to want to do just SOMETHING about this.

I miss him because...

1. I always enjoyed my time with him on all those thursdays. Even though not all of the sessions were particularly exciting or happy, I still miss the interactions I had with him. Regardless of the absence of "beautiful memories" from the time I had with him, I miss him.. though secretly and silently. I treasure those times..because I won't have it back, and it won't happen again..

2. Just being with him as a person, or talking to him makes me happy - however selfish that might seem. I don't know if it makes him happy or irritated though, because I don't know what he thinks of me.

3. Anything related to him reminds me of him. I don't purposefully think of him, but he's just on my mind more or less.

I really wish I could do something to get to know him better slowly, not freaking him out in the process. But I honestly don't know what I should do, or how I should approach him because I'm always interacting with people who are his total opposite. How do I approach him in a subtle/natural way without seeming stalker-ish?

After reading some "tips" about these things, I'm starting to reflect on how I handled each session I had with him. And the result? I have so many things I regret doing/not doing.

For one, I regret asking direct yes/no questions. And I also regret not talking abit about myself with regards to the questions. But I'm just not someone who talks about herself when getting to know other people. I only do that when the other party asks me back. How should I talk about myself without seeming boastful?

Now I also regret not saying goodbye to him after every session. There were a few times that I didn't because I was too ..well, angry at him haha.. I regret not taking approaching this "him" issue positively all the time. But how can I, when he puts my efforts down with every (hopefully unintentional and personality-caused) silent treatment? Can I be forgiven for not saying goodbye after every session to someone I like? Am I making all the efforts to improve the current situation?...

I know I'm not, because that would make it seem too obvious because he's not your normal talking person. Since he's quiet, a bomb might be set off when he notices how often I try talking to him. Nuh-uh, I don't want that happening. But if I don't talk, how am I going to make things better?..

After reading those "tips", I find myself tempted (again) to ask him whether I bother him in a bad way or something along those lines. I'm scared that if I do, I might spoil the situation. But if I don't, I'll never know. But then again..There are times when being subtle and slow works better. Just that sometimes..I can't control myself. Sometimes I feel driven crazy and as if I have an insatiable desire to get along better with him.

And after how long do you confess to someone after liking him for a time? A few months? A few years? How long does it really take anyway? Is there even a fixed time? I guess if you actively talk to that person you could confess in a few months. But if its the opposite of that, a year after that? The only reason I'd even THINK of confessing is because of how I cannot control how I feel. Its hard to keep it inside all the time, having no one to talk to about it, nor advise me on it. But at least I have someone who'd listen to me, though she doesn't say anything much for reasons that I already know (;

Is he even shy? I'm just majorly confused, and I want to know if he is or not. How do I do that? I realize that I'm just a n00b at getting to know guys, especially someone I like. Hell, how is it possible to like someone you don't know well? Shit, I'm starting to get even more confused and more convinced that I'm just liking him out of my usual "needs". I'd hate that.

But till now I'm still thinking of him. Or maybe that's because I'm intrigued by how I still don't know him but want to? Is that why I still like him? What's gonna happen when I DO start to get to know him better?

I think you're probably thinking right now that I think too much about things when I should just do them slowly. I guess you could say I can't help it when I do it all the time. I always assume things that will typically "end this way" or "end that way". As if everything's just too easily predictable and that I'm better off reconsidering my efforts and ideas.

I have no one to talk to nor advise me nor encourage me well. But that's because only a few select people know I like him. Those that do can't help me much because they don't have connections to him, or they just probably think how foolish I am to like someone in such a shallow way, as if I'm not liking them in a true way.

..I just really have no idea how these things work. Its my first in a long, long while, and I'm feeling confused, sad, happy, alone. Is there anyone even happy for me?