I've more or less finished the list of anime series I wanted to watch this break XD think I'll just cover one or two drama next week, and then poof! school starts ;) nice timing ain't it? x)

just a random update

I haven't been online for a few days owing to my sis revamping her whole room lol. i.e. disconnected modem. So the house right now is in a HUGE mess hahaha. With all her furniture and things, tables, desks etc. Everything's outside right now. She just finished painting the walls of her room on sunday and it looks really nice. And the new lighting my dad got for her from bangkok for her birthday - its hanging in her room now. Really pretty light and romantic lighting lol. Plus my own room and the living room has new lighting. Then dad had itchy hands to go get a new tv for the living room -_- so "old" (its only like, what, a few months old?) living room tv has replaced the kind-of spoiled one in my parents' room.

anyways,...its about 2 weeks till the new semester starts and I think its been a really, really good break. I did everything I wanted to, I did everything I enjoy doing, I'm satisfied. So I'm looking forward to the coming semester now. Though, I must say that I'm scared since I think the modules are going to be killers. I swear I'm going to cry when my second upper honors flies away. I'm very very scared.

Scene 1

I think I've temporarily lost abit of the anime-watching passion this past two weeks >< I mean, I'm still watching, but I'm strangely not as into the stories as I hoped I'd be. Hmm.. They're really great shows, that's the only reason why I'd want to watch them. But it seems that I couldn't get ABSORBED into it, you know? Before the last two weeks, 99% of the anime series I watched since the break started - I got into them really easily. Like I would forget everything when I was absorbed into the story. But recently that's changed.. Maybe its a sign that I've watched enough, and that I should leave the rest till the next break? I think that's what I need to do...though I'm still "left" with 3 series to cover before the break ends. Is it because that I'm just "watching to finish the list" that I can't enjoy it as I'd want to? I must approach watching with my previous mindset of "Lets watch that!" instead of the now-mindset "I've to watch before break ends."

Or maybe the stories were just a tad bit too complex that it was difficult to sbsorb? Hmm..


Scene 2

I think I'm desperate for a relationship. Or something like that. But primarily not for the companionship... I just want to know who I am in a relationship. How would I behave in it? How do I carry myself? What does it mean to have someone special? Am I romantic? Or sweet? Or caring? Or cool? (lol, scratch that last)

I want to find someone, and I want to find myself.

本当は。。

...companionship eh?

I can't help but feel "Who would want to date someone like me?" I don't have alot of qualities that shine, I am still quite immature.. I can't think of anyone I know so far who'd be crazy enough to want to even think of me as a possible companion.

Right now, the "me" right now - can I really be a good companion to anyone?? I mean well, couples grow together, but first to actually -get- together the other person has to think of me as worthy or something, right? I feel like I'm the one who needs companionship.

Oh well.

(continued 6 hours later)

The truth is I'm just lonely. Everyone's lonely, right? Yes. Here's the question: when you're lonely and desire some sort of companionship..do you turn to the person (of the opposite sex)you're closest to to fulfill that emptiness inside? Is it fair? Is it real? Is it because you like him that you turn to him? (Of course not lol, but you get the point.) Its like, you're driven to the edge and have no one else to turn to to complete your love life. JUST WHAT IS IT THAT COMPELS ME TO DO THIS?! I am just SO confused. Is it because you like him? Or is it because he's the only guy you know (so far) who's "close" to you? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! (Getting frustrated here as I'm typing this HAHAHA. I just really don't know how to describe this feeling/confusion.)

on another note..I think I understand "companionship" a little better now..It feels like the kind of relationship that Chiaki and Nodame have in Nodame Cantabile. Its not as if its like "I can live without seeing you everyday." but it feels like that.. I don't think I want something like that. If there's nothing much drawing us together (leaving aside interests) then why do you even stay with each other? Just because finding someone else would be too hard? I don't see the point in being with someone then. Not that I'd rather be alone, but yes, that's the general feeling. I don't want to be in a companionship if it feels like we're living in completely different lives/houses. You're together, but at the same time you're not. You have your life, and I have mine. What's the point in being together? You can always find someone else - its just the effort needed to do so.

I had the strangest dream last night....

Apparently, I got married in it! At 21 o_O It was a most peculiar marriage though, I remember it not being a ceremony nor a gathering. Maybe it was held in a small function room and there was just the ring-slipping onto my finger, that was the marriage. Some other fantasy-like things happened after that... It was most peculiar.

I remember exactly how the ring looks like and everything about it. The ring was a perfect size, and it fit onto my finger like it would never drop off. Something like, a perfect, tight, fit. And apparently in my dream world, the marriage finger is the fourth finger on the right hand. The ring was made of 925 silver - strange isn't it? But in the dream, it wasn't strange at all, we(uh, him and I) both know it would rust, but we both somehow had the same thoughts and understanding that diamond rings were for more older and mature people, and it was something *he* couldn't afford to buy just at that moment(I'm not sure if in the dream I could afford one either hahaha. But the dream explicitly pointed out that *he* couldn't juuuuuuust yet.) But I was alright with it anyways, and I truthfully am in reality when I think about this dream. I also remember what the ring looks like, and the method of putting it on so that it fits perfectly. And the last thing I remember, and its a clear sensation, was the feeling of that ring on my finger; that perfect tight fit. That "marriage finger" on my right hand still tingles hahaha. (I shall upload a picture of the ring's design soon..but for now I'm in a rush to go out!)

Strangely, this feeling of the ring on my finger seems precious to me. I'm strangely attached to this feeling lol.

ion

walkwalkwalkwalk with pretty Doc. Chim today. she was kind enough to be my slav--*cough* to keep me company today. =D love you muchies =X MOAR BALLZ PLZ.

mom taught me some useful eyeshadow tips when we all got home XD I SHALL PUT THESE TIPS TO GOOD USE!

DAPHNE. Damn worried leh. I hope you recover well.. *cry* I cannot imagine my life without you!