At first it was hard to control my feelings and I had my hopes up frequently.. But after a while, I just let things slide and decided to just look at him from afar. It made me really happy to just be able to look at him from far away. And this was last semester..
This time round.. I started the semester in January with the same thinking: Just looking from afar and not talking to him - like I'm just some sort of stranger to him. But the more I saw him the more I wanted to talk to this person.. To get a little bit closer to him. I learned from my past experiences with this person that its hard to get him to talk.
Last semester for the lab module I always felt happy just being able to spot him from afar, but at the same time I kind of.. "hated" on him. Because to me, he was always a difficult person to talk to.. But I was still happy. And my lab partner could tell how happy I was.
Then for this semester I checked the photo gallery for the lab module and found out that he's in the same slot and day again. This time round it was going to be organic laboratory so he would be at the same fumehood all the time instead of last semester when it was physical laboratory where the location of each experiment was different.. So obviously this time I checked which fumehood he would be assigned to, whilst also finding out that another good friend of mine would be in the same lab as he. They'd be in lab 1 while I'd be in lab 2, and even better was that my friend would be doing the same experiments as I would be every week. This gave me a good excuse to visit lab 1 while waiting for my reactions to complete.. Which I always did, every single week. Except for my birthday (yes it fell on a lab day), because that experiment was demanding and I was too nervous to visit Justin's fumehood on my birthday aka valentines.. Whenever I visited lab 2, I told myself that I could use the excuse that my friend was doing the same experiment schedule as I was, to visit his lab where Justin was as well.. Every time I visited I would stop by my friend's before trying to spot where Justin was. The first visit I noticed that his fumehood was at the same row as my friend's - I guess you can say I was pretty happy about it, because it would be easy and convenient to drop by at Justin's. Before I plucked up the courage to talk to Justin, whenever I passed by him at his fumehood, I would tug at his lab sleeve as a form of greeting of sorts.. I wasn't yet prepared to say hi to him in a friendly way yet so I just tugged.. I was happy enough. Some time later I plucked up the courage to "talk" to him - just mindless statements about the lab - like which experiment he was doing, how was it and all. He was unexpectedly more cheerful and happy compared to the previous few semesters - and it made me wonder what had changed for him to become like that, even in the faculty. He was known to be a cold unfriendly person to others at the faculty, and didn't have much of a presence since he always left immediately after lectures ended.. Regardless I was happy and whenever I returned to my own fumehood in the other lab I would be satisfied and happy and would blurt out whatever happened to Vicky who happens to always be beside me during every lab. What I loved the most during these visits was how more friendly he'd become, his voice, his smile (though I never dared to look at him in the face for long - it'd be too much for me to take) - and most of all just standing beside him.. I can never forget how it feels like to stand right beside him. That tall built figure standing right beside someone as petite as I am.. I could always feel myself shaking because of that feeling.
And not only was he in the same day for lab, he was also taking two other modules that I had undertaken too. It made me even happier (heheh), and I managed to give him valentine's chocolates for once. I wonder if he ate them (lol) or.. disposed it, because when I saw him leaving the building a while later he wasn't holding it anymore. One of the modules I always made a point to sit beside him; it was hard to keep myself sane from the accelerated heartbeats and my mind going crazy about how close I was to him again in a while. Though we didn't talk at all, he did cheerfully greet me hello and goodbye before I did - and I returned the greetings as cheerfully and happy as I could - afterall, I really WAS happy about how he said it first before I did.
And now that semester is over.. I guess I will never have the chance to talk to him, nor see him ever again. From what I know, he's going to be doing the industrial attachment in the upcoming semester - and I'll be in school. And the exact opposite when I'm on my own attachment the next next semester. I really wanted to take a photo with him at least for memory's sake but I guess maybe it wasn't meant to be then eh? My friend suggested I could do it during convocation but I told her Justin didn't seem like the sort to attend it.. But if he does, I would really want to snap a shot with him. I don't think I'll be confessing though.
The last time anyone made me feel this way was Ben. I haven't crushed on someone this hopelessly since Ben. But I already know its one-sided, just like it was with Ben. I'm keeping my distance properly and making sure I don't make him feel stalked by a small girl (hahaha) while constantly feeling a heartache whenever I think about this person. I don't think about him every second of every day, but once in a while. Its just really hidden, in a sense - although a few of my friends know how hopeless my case is (heheheh). I can't control my feelings - and they're serious feelings, not some half-assed thing.
All this might sound like some kind of puppy crush and if it really is I won't deny it.. Afterall, I barely know this person and how he's really like. But I'm already hopelessly falling. I like him, a whole lot. To the point that I could cry just by having had a dream in which we were talking like real good friends. I don't desire for anything else right now other than to be able to be better friends with this person.. But its not going to happen any time soon, nor ever.
I hope I can meet someone in the future for whom I can feel the same way and he'd feel the same for me.
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